The Journal of American Rocket Science

The Hubert Humphrey Job Corps Center in Saint Paul is planning to expand their disadvantaged youth–oriented education center to train deposed and about to-be-ousted world dictators for new and meaningful careers. But their intentions have run into fierce opposition by neighborhood residents: “With our nation’s troublesome unemployment rate, the last people who should be taking jobs away from Americans are these already-rich tyrants,” howled one neighbor who asked not to be identified.

Highly classified documents within the U.S. State Department obtained by The Journal of American Rocket Science reveal that Libya’s Muammar Ghaddafi, Hosni Mubarek of Eygpt, Laurent Ghagbo of the Ivory Coast, Ali Abdullah Seleh of Yemen, Bashar al-Assad of Syria, and John Edwards of South Carolina have publically postured themselves as defiant, but are secretly anxious to learn new job skills in unassuming occupations without the stress of running third world governments.

Hosni Mubarek, for example, wants to parlay his recently acquired past-time of playing solitaire into becoming a black jack dealer in Las Vegas. “It’s the weather I am used to,” Mubarek says, “And the replicas of Luxor and the Sphinx will remind me of home.” The Libyan colonel, Muammar Ghaddafi, has constantly exhorted how he is dedicated to serving and taking orders from his people. Working as a restaurant server—preferably at a restaurant that requires its personnel to wear costumes—and taking orders from diners is his new dream.

What is standing in their way are the neighbors living around the Job Corps Center who are adamant to stop this expansion. And they have ammunition—in another sense of that word. The Job Corps site requirements include guard towers at the parking lot entrances, which these leaders claim is the only safe way of entering a site they are used to, and oversized parking spaces for their stretch jeeps and limos. However, Saint Paul zoning regulations require these non-conforming items to pass variance approvals from the neighborhood, and such mandates seem unlikely at this time.

U.S. government officials have stated getting these despots away from the trouble spots that have created will improve world security, which is a much more important need for world peace than the miscellaneous property issues of the neighborhood.