Archive for category Volume II
Journal of American Rocket Science Says Federal Stimulus Package Should All Go to Artists
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on February 15th, 2009
In an unusual editorial statement today, the Journal of American Rocket Science stated the Federal Stimulus package should be entirely sent to artists in this country, who can immediately pump the cash right back into the American economy. This massive economic recovery, the journal claims, should not go to banks, who will just squirrel it away in their accounts, never to see the light of day. Artists have no bank accounts, and the money will be immediately be put in play in local art supply stores, musical instruments, studio rentals, PBR purchases, car repairs and bus fares that can generate jobs for coffee shop servers, bar tenders, and other economic stimulators.
In addition, artists’ spending can have a “green effect,” as newly opened art galleries and music performances in coffeehouses in non-descript vacant storefronts don’t draw crowds that bring auto traffic. Moreover, new galleries and performance spaces in formerly vacant warehouse buildings, will eventually create a “hot zone” that creates trendy property values and eradicates urban blight, outperforming public agency revitalization programs.
The Journal of American Rocket Science advocates congress to change their programs and spread the money to artists in every city of America.
Journal of American Rocket Science Discovers Pink Flamingos Part of a Plot to Take Over America
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on March 10th, 2008
Those neighbors in that quiet rambler down the block – the one with a plastic awning over the front entrance that has green indoor-outdoor carpet covering the steps, the Chevrolet station wagon parked in back, and the twinkly christmas lights hanging from roof eaves all year around – and that pink flamingo in their front yard, whose eyes seem to follow you as you walk down the sidewalk – and make you smile back. But the Journal of American Rocket Science is warning you: don’t look at that pink plastic bird again! The bird’s eyes are actually electronic scanning devices, and the homeowners are sleeper cell members of a widespread extremist sect plotting to take over America.
Journal of American Rocket Science researchers uncovered this plot recently when they discovered that the flamingos’ skinny steel legs penetrating into the ground are wired into a vast underground network, connecting a central command to sleeper cells in neighborhoods throughout the nation. Further evidence reveals this group has trained its members to take extensive measures to blend into typical neighborhoods to seem as unobtrusive as possible, acting like normal middle class citizens. The pink flamingos in front yards make these cell members seem more normal than other neighbors, and the birds also function to conduct surveillance of the surrounding neighborhood. These cell members are to act placid until they receive a coded signal from central command, causing them instantaneously and quietly to charge out of their houses and seize control of our country.
When The Department of Homeland Security was given evidence in detail of the Journal of American Rocket Science’s discovery, the bureau replied several weeks later that penguins in front yards are not subject to local zoning laws.
Journal of American Rocket Science to be Consultant to Upcoming Obama Presidency
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on March 5th, 2008
Sensing imminent victory in November to be elected as President of the United States, Sen. Barak Obama is now looking ahead to implement his administration operating procedures to be put in place immediately after the first few minutes of the inauguration ceremony swearing into office.
To remove the Bush program of national fear, one of Obama’s first moves will be to engage the nation into audaciousness of hope tby re-naming the Department of Homeland Security to “The Place of Homeland Contentment.” To highlight this change, the Terror Alert signs near airports and federal buildings will become “Contentment Level Signs.”
The Obama transition team has contacted the color consulting division at the Journal of American Rocket Science to select new engaging colors, replacing the ominous yellow, orange and red alert colors to optimistic and pleasant blue hues:
Governor Pawlenty to Minnesota: “The future for this state is to become Mayberry RFD”
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on June 5th, 2007
Pointing out that the nation’s happier times has been no better reflected than in the 1960s TV program Mayberry RFD, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty will soon announce in a prepared statement: “If you’ve watched my modus operandi in government, you’ll see I’m not starving the state’s economic development, education system and culture by cutting taxes – I’m preparing for our state’s future – we can become the next Mayberry RFD.”
“Life was simpler then, but our nation was also happier then,” the governor stated, “ So if we become simpler, we will be happier.”
Pawlenty pledged he will continue to strip away appeasement programs like health care, complicated education systems, and needless light rail and extra traffic lanes. Pawlenty sees his role as a governor taking on the image of Andy Griffith, who played Sheriff Andy Taylor who also acted as mayor, making everyday problems uncomplicated, without government intervention. Law and order can be simplified as well, and as a gesture to bipartisanship, Pawlenty will ask former Democratic U.S. Senator Mark Dayton to assume the role of always-nervous Deputy Barney Fife, as played on the TV sshow by Don Knotts.
Only one educational program will be needed, Pawlenty noted, “We’’ll get language classes in operation that will teach southern drawl as a second language.”
Critics of the governor who obtained advance copies of Pawlenty’s upcoming announcement complained that bringing back the state to Mayberry RFD times will mean no highly convenient ATM machines. Another issue will be the role of guns in this back-world. In the TV Mayberry, Sheriff Andy Taylor issued only one bullet to his deputy that he had to keep not in his gun but in a shirt pocket. The NRA will not be pleased.
Can Letter Writer From Hot Springs, Arkansas Blame Liberals for Global Warming?
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on May 5th, 2007
The Journal of American Rocket Science feels compelled to respond to this important issue. A liberal think tank, Liberals Under Attack United (LUAU) has commissioned Journal of American Rocket Science to refute the Arkansas Democrat Gazette article blaming global warming on Daylight Savings Time, and the Journal has hired Dr. T. Tarp to evaluate the issue. At this writing, Dr. T.Tarp has come up with one recommendation: change the name of the city where the letter writer lives from Hot Springs to Luke Warm Springs.
Strib Chooses Hartman as Sole Writer for Their Future Newspaper
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on March 12th, 2007
Young Sid
The Star Tribune of the Twin Cities is way ahead of other newspapers caught in declining readership and revenues to reduce operating costs and staff. To meet the challenges of the oncoming new age of journalism, the Strib leadership will soon announce they are dumping all their writers and will keep only one – sports columnist Sid Hartman.
The Journal of American Rocket Science obtained an interview with this fabled sports star journalist, and you can follow along as follows:
JARS: Hey Sid – congratulations! But tell us real quick: How do you think the Minnesota Orchestra is doing?
SH: “ I think they have the team with players to win. The key thing is playing together and being consistent.”
JARS: How can we solve the Iraq issue – Will the Sunnis or the Shia take control of the government?
SH: The Sunnis are second seed to compete in the runoff to lead Iraq, but
if they have a hot week, then they have the chance to make the playoffs.
JARS: In terms of Minnesota’s upcoming 2008 US senatorial race, who will be the nominees of the Democrats and Republicans?
SH: It is important to determine first round draft choice.
JARS: We scientists here at the Journal of American Rocket Science have noticed your name, Sid Hartman, has many of the same letters as the Hindu mystic Siddartha. This Kshatriya gained followers, calling themselves bhikkus, or “disciples,” they wandered the countryside in yellow robes (in order to indicate their bhakti , or “devotion” to the master). Likewise, many of your followers, calling themselves Gopher fans, wear a more intense yellow, golden colored sweatshirts and jackets. Can you comment?
SH: Well, a lot of guys in the dorm, during that semester I went to the U, called me “Siddartha,” because my writing, even at that time was, I don’t know if you’d think it was mystical, but so many people said it was mystifying. But that Siddartha guy –great scholarship material: he really had a head on his shoulders. 1938, I think that was his best year.”
Journal of American Rocket Science Research Says ‘No’ to Medical Marijuana in Minnesota
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on March 10th, 2007
After extensive scientific research, Journal of American Rocket Science Research is asking the Minnesota State Legislature to just say no the medical marijuana, predicting that this could lead to wine being sold in supermarkets.
