Sensing imminent victory in November to be elected as President of the United States, Sen. Barak Obama is now looking ahead to implement his administration operating procedures to be put in place immediately after the first few minutes of the inauguration ceremony swearing into office.

To remove the Bush program of national fear, one of Obama’s first moves will be to engage the nation into audaciousness of hope tby re-naming the Department of Homeland Security to “The Place of Homeland Contentment.” To highlight this change, the Terror Alert signs near airports and federal buildings will become “Contentment Level Signs.”

The Obama transition team has contacted the color consulting division at the Journal of American Rocket Science to select new engaging colors, replacing the ominous yellow, orange and red alert colors to optimistic and pleasant blue hues:

The Journal of American Rocket Science feels compelled to respond to this important issue. A liberal think tank, Liberals Under Attack United (LUAU) has commissioned Journal of American Rocket Science to refute the Arkansas Democrat Gazette article blaming global warming on Daylight Savings Time, and the Journal has hired Dr. T. Tarp to evaluate the issue. At this writing, Dr. T.Tarp has come up with one recommendation: change the name of the city where the letter writer lives from Hot Springs to Luke Warm Springs.

Young Sid

The Star Tribune of the Twin Cities is way ahead of other newspapers caught in declining readership and revenues to reduce operating costs and staff. To meet the challenges of the oncoming new age of journalism, the Strib leadership will soon announce they are dumping all their writers and will keep only one – sports columnist Sid Hartman.

The Journal of American Rocket Science obtained an interview with this fabled sports star journalist, and you can follow along as follows:

JARS: Hey Sid – congratulations! But tell us real quick: How do you think the Minnesota Orchestra is doing?

SH: “ I think they have the team with players to win. The key thing is playing together and being consistent.”

JARS: How can we solve the Iraq issue – Will the Sunnis or the Shia take control of the government?

SH: The Sunnis are second seed to compete in the runoff to lead Iraq, but
if they have a hot week, then they have the chance to make the playoffs.

JARS: In terms of Minnesota’s upcoming 2008 US senatorial race, who will be the nominees of the Democrats and Republicans?

SH: It is important to determine first round draft choice.

JARS: We scientists here at the Journal of American Rocket Science have noticed your name, Sid Hartman, has many of the same letters as the Hindu mystic Siddartha. This Kshatriya gained followers, calling themselves bhikkus, or “disciples,” they wandered the countryside in yellow robes (in order to indicate their bhakti , or “devotion” to the master). Likewise, many of your followers, calling themselves Gopher fans, wear a more intense yellow, golden colored sweatshirts and jackets. Can you comment?

SH: Well, a lot of guys in the dorm, during that semester I went to the U, called me “Siddartha,” because my writing, even at that time was, I don’t know if you’d think it was mystical, but so many people said it was mystifying. But that Siddartha guy –great scholarship material: he really had a head on his shoulders. 1938, I think that was his best year.”

After extensive scientific research, Journal of American Rocket Science Research is asking the Minnesota State Legislature to just say no the medical marijuana, predicting that this could lead to wine being sold in supermarkets.

In a move totally unprecedented in state government history, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has announced he is turning over all state government operations to automobile- house mortgage- impressario Denny Hecker.  In his announcement, the Minnesota governor declared, “There’s no hiding the fact that my buddy Denny can deliver state government functions at lower cost, with business-like finesse so much better than the legions of bureaucrats who occupy rows and rows of desks in state government buildings all over our state.” “What’s more,” Governor Pawlenty remarked, ‘”He’s got a more convincing smile than I have tried to have.”

Minnesotans have become accustomed to Denny Hecker’s fanchises alongside the state’s freeways, have seen his advertising panels on buses, billboards, newspaper inserts, TV commercials for several years. To which Pawlenty asserts, “With his smiling face seen by Minnesota residents over and over, he’s got to be a guy everyone can trust.” For the Minnesota governor who has relentlessly pressed for lower taxes, Hecker, he thinks, is the guy who can make his lower taxes – smaller government dreams come true.

In the works, according to state government insiders, is Pawlenty’s own public image proliferation campaign. Soon Minnesota residents will gaze at billboards, TV spots, utility pole placards that display the guv’s smiling visage, with the message, “I’m giving you lower government by slashing, yes slashing your taxes. No other governor can beat my deal!”

Responding to recent criticism that debit /credit card swipe devices recently introduced at retail checkout counters have caused backed up customer lines, the National Retailers’ Association has hired the Journal of American Rocket Science to design a more religiously sensitive card swiper.

National Retailers’ Association officials say these new machines will be installed throughout the country in a few weeks.

_ Yes, this is the right amount.

_ No, this is an incorrect amount.

_ I’m Unitarian – I’m not sure.

A central Minnesota township denied a building permit yesterday that would have allowed the much fabled town of Lake Wobegon to achieve reality. The developer, RPM Properties, envisioned construction of a real Lake Wobegon, a figment in the imagination of not only Garrison Keillor, but in the minds of thousands of Prairie Home Companion listeners. Many of these radio show fans, yearning for the good old days, formed a public interest group to create a place to live that would return traditional values of responsibility and the simple virtues to the American scene.

However, the planning officials in a yet-unidentified township saw things differently. Planning Commissioner Hugh Briss called the proposed Wobegon town completely out of date with modern zoning codes. “ This plan had no strip shopping centers, no pole barn buildings for farm implement dealers, and no franchise restaurants – none of the feeling that small towns have today, “ Briss said, adding, “and a church with a steeple? That would exceed zoning height limitations.”

The one year-old Walker Art Center In Minneapolis is about to receive a facade re-do. Commissioned by Walker administrators to design a revision, the Journal of American Rocket Science chose to use the perforated holes in the thin metal covering as a matrix for a CHIA PET vegetative growth that will cover the now-shiny skin. CHIA PET, the popular 1970s novelty item that grew a mossy covering from seeds embedded in a clay animal-shaped body, will become popular art now transformed into high art, say Walker art spokespersons.

Walker officials had proposed a “roots” theme, as a reference to the art institution’s origins by its founder, T.B. Walker, a lumber baron, who owned large tracts of giant fir trees known for their deep roots. However, some detractors of the museum comment that CHIA PET is very appropriate, as the tiny stems’ shallowness symbolize the depth of the objects within the galleries.

With all the attempts of liberal media and conservative Christian pastors to try to rein in the controversial Rev. Pat Robertson from his wacky pronouncements, the Green Party has tried to neutralize the far-right wing clergyman by cloning Robertson with an unusual species of jellyfish having a fluorescent green glow. Green Party scientists thought the cloning would dilute his weekly virulent predictions of divine wrath on world leaders, destination tourist cities or sports figures, and instead would take on an environmentalist temperament. More important, a cloned green Pat would be a branding icon for the radical political movement.

Although the cloned Pat does emit a bright green color, the lack of a spine that is the definitive anatomical feature of a jelly fish has resulted in the cloned green human being very risk-averse to making public statements that demand far-reaching environmental action. Undeterred, Green Party scientists plan to chip some green concrete off the Jolly Green Giant statue along Highway 169 in southwestern Minnesota to use in their next cloning experiment.

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