Archive for category Politics
Newt Gingrich’s next career—the next Captain Kangaroo?
Posted by Administrator in Politics on May 2nd, 2012
In a surprise move seemingly far afield from his political ambitions, now-former Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich announced today that he was seeking an educational TV role as Captain Kangaroo, the once-beloved star of children’s television.
The Journal of American Rocket Science has learned from informed sources that the perennial Republican spoiler is seeking a new direction, one in which his audience is tightly controlled. Gingrich claims his facial features and animated ambiance are very reminiscent to Bob Keeshan, the original Captain Kangaroo, who starred in a children’s television series which aired weekday mornings on the American television network CBS for nearly 30 years, from October 3, 1955 until December 8, 1984, making it the longest-running nationally broadcast children’s television program of its day.
Newt claims he can stand in for the Captain’s warm relationship between grandparents and children. Moreover, his political career in the Washington scene gives him the ability to be a character who would tell stories, meet guests, and indulge in silly stunts with regular characters, both humans and puppets.
The Journal of American Rocket Science will inform you, and Jon Stewart’s Daily Show, of further developments.
Santorum For Dummies—An up-to-date book for 2012!
Posted by Administrator in Politics on March 26th, 2012
Rick Santorum wants you to let go of your intellectual elitist self—and the Journal of American Rocket Science has just the book for you! Pages of helpful advice, such as how to compost your college diploma and much much more!
Order your book from and the Journal of American Rocket Science today!
Newt Gingrich Hires the Journal of American Rocket Science to Design Transport Rockets for Moon Colonies
Posted by Administrator in Politics, Science on March 1st, 2012
Former U.S. Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich’s campaign promise to have colonies on the moon by the end of his second term as President will depend on the right type of rockets to transport the construction materials and continuing supplies to the lunar orb. The Journal of American Rocket Science is now in the design phase of the extraterrestrial vehicles to do the job under a contract with Mr. Gingrich.
Of special importance to this venture is the most powerful form of fuel for rocket propulsion and the JARS scientists have hit upon a highly innovative material—the former speaker’s legendary hot air. Gingrich’s speech has been well known to be extremely fiery and explosive, and its tremendous volume can provide unlimited amounts to power the fleet of rocket ships back and forth to the moon.
JARS scientists have discovered that his hot air contains a noxious compound that can outperform conventional rocket fuel. Moreover, its extremely high volatility may be possible to extend American colonies to the planet Mars, which Gingrich believes—with Republican inhabitants—can fittingly become a red state planet.
Journal of American Rocket Science Assembling Glitterbomb Rocket
Posted by Administrator in Politics on September 5th, 2011
In response to a request by a society advocating legalized same sex marriage, the Journal of American Rocket Science has designed a rocket that can shower glitter over state capitols that have resisted same sex marriage legislation. The glitter material will be tiny pink balloons, which can hover in the air a bit longer than the typical tiny particles.
The first glitter rocket will soar above the Minnesota State Capitol, the scene of continued unsuccessful attempts to enact a same sex marriage legislation. In fact, the Minnesota Supreme Court was one of the first in the nation to rule on the issue of marriage between same-sex couples. The Baker v. Nelson decision (291 Minn. 310, 191 N.W.2d 185) in 1971 held that Minnesota Statutes prohibited marriages between same-sex partners. The case was appealed to the United States Supreme Court. They issued a one sentence dismissal of the appeal (409 U.S. 810, 34 L Ed 2d 65, 93 S Ct 37; October 10, 1972) that stated: “The appeal is dismissed for want of a substantial federal question.”
The latest Minnesota legislative attempt came in May 2010. Three same-sex couples filed a lawsuit in Hennepin County District Court, arguing Minnesota’s ban on marriage between same-sex partners violates due process, equal protection, and freedom of association rights. On March 7, 2011, Hennepin County District Judge Mary Dufresne rejected their argument and dismissed the lawsuit.
Journal of American Science Update
Posted by Administrator in Politics on August 25th, 2011
Meanwhile, The Journal of American Rocket Science uncovered a news breaking story in conjunction with yesterday’s Borowitz Report, which outlined Gadhafi’s appearance in the Republican presidential race: The Republican Party has begun to plan for the former Libyan leader to become the front runner in the GOP candidate race and will likely pick Saint Paul as a return to the Republican National Convention. “Saint Paul will make Muammar comfortable,” commented a Republican Party spokesman, “with all the guns around him as we had in Saint Paul in 2008.”
Muammar Gadhafi Joins U.S. Republican Candidate Field
Posted by Administrator in Politics on August 23rd, 2011
Hap Lesse, a high ranking Republican strategist, welcomes Gadhafi into the Republican race to lead the 2012 ticket.
The Borowitz Report for Monday, August 22, states that Col. Muammar Gaddafi’s whereabouts was resolved today as the dictator announced his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination in a town hall meeting in Concord, New Hampshire.
While some New Hampshire Republicans seemed surprised to see Col. Gaddafi shaking hands and kissing babies at the Concord town hall, an aide to the Libyan strongman said his transformation to GOP candidate made perfect sense. “In those final days in Tripoli, he was becoming increasingly disconnected from reality,” said the aide. “So I think he’ll fit right in.”
Another important sign: others gave him high marks for his grasp of history and geography, which most agreed was stronger than Michele Bachmann’s.
A Unified Minnesota State Legislature Proposes to Reinflate Metrodome With Hot Air
Posted by Administrator in Local, Politics on December 13th, 2010
Republican and Democratic leaders today proposed an immediate state legislature session to reinflate the collapsed Metrodome with hot air coming from session debates. “This joint commitment shows how normally divisive political operatives can get together to solve a problem more serious to all Minnesotans than fishing licenses and budget deficits,” State Representative Norman Normal remarked. “And we have enough hot air to first melt the snow on the sunken dome roof, then cause it to rise back into place.”
Minnesota Governor-elect Mark Dayton, however, has a different idea how to accomplish the same task: he commented that this is just another example of big government at work. His solution is to simply use the members of the Tom Emmer vote recount operation, who number somewhat less than both houses of the Minnesota State Legislature, who Dayton says have even more hot air in them.
“This is my opportunity,” Dayton noted,” to show how the job can get done with less government.”
