Category Archives: Opinion

13 Predictions for 2011

  • Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton, beleaguered by battles with the state legislature, buckles under the pressure and pleas for Tom Emmer to reconduct the vote recount.
  • Scientist claims to disprove global warming, saying it cannot happen to an earth that is flat.
  • Imprisoned and doomed auto magnate Denny Hecker finds Jesus as his savior, then says he should be released from jail because Jesus has pardoned him.
  • Sarah Palin announces her 2012 run for president; asks Sid Hartman to be vice presidential running mate.
  • Jesse Ventura challenges Bret Favre for Vikings quarterback position.
  • State of Texas announces plan to humanely execute state’s death row prisoners—builds huge solar collector to power electric chairs.
  • Hummers designated as toxic material, restricted from waste landfills.
  • Steeply downward economy causes people to adopt extremely minimal lifestyles and forsake materialism. Mall of America loses 99% of shopper purchases in one week. Carloads of people bring excess belongings, many formerly purchased at MOA, to dump them off at Mall of America. The entire place becomes a landfill dump and cynics rename it “Maw of America.”
  • Wikleaks announces, despite extensive searches, that they can find no juicy secrets about historic preservation to expose to the public. Historic preservationists become alarmed.
  • City of Minneapolis privatizes Mayor RT Rybak.
  • Developer purchases entire city of Eden Prairie to convert it into a replica of the Gull Lake area.
  • Developer purchases entire body of water of Lake Vermillion and shoreline to convert it into a replica of Lake Minnetonka area.
  • Embarrass Township votes to change its name to Salubrious Meadows.