Archive for category Economy

Big Box Retailers to Petition U.S. Congress to Delete Thanksgiving and Create BIG BOX DAY

Thanksgiving as we have known it since the days of the pilgrims may be a thing of the past, as the Big Box Retailers For a Better America (BBRBA) is organizing federal legislation to substitute a four-day big box holiday weekend, beginning with the third Thursday in November and ending in the final hours of the following Sunday night. “Americans should not have to endure excess unhealthy eating on this obsolete holiday,” remarked MMRBA spokesman Dan Dollar, ”when they can get an early start on celebrating Christmas.”

In the last few years, the big box stores have become fiercely competitive, moving store openings from 6AM the Friday after Thanksgiving to midnight and now into Thanksgiving evening itself, a move that seems only inevitable.

By next year, that traditional holiday song we have grown up with may be rewritten into: “Over the freeway and through the sound barrier walls to big boxes we go.”

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My name is Muammar, and I’ll be your server tonight.

INTERNATIONAL-US-LIBYAThe Hubert Humphrey Job Corps Center in Saint Paul is planning to expand their disadvantaged youth–oriented education center to train deposed and about to-be-ousted world dictators for new and meaningful careers. But their intentions have run into fierce opposition by neighborhood residents: “With our nation’s troublesome unemployment rate, the last people who should be taking jobs away from Americans are these already-rich tyrants,” howled one neighbor who asked not to be identified.

Highly classified documents within the U.S. State Department obtained by The Journal of American Rocket Science reveal that Libya’s Muammar Ghaddafi, Hosni Mubarek of Eygpt, Laurent Ghagbo of the Ivory Coast, Ali Abdullah Seleh of Yemen, Bashar al-Assad of Syria, and John Edwards of South Carolina have publically postured themselves as defiant, but are secretly anxious to learn new job skills in unassuming occupations without the stress of running third world governments.

Hosni Mubarek, for example, wants to parlay his recently acquired past-time of playing solitaire into becoming a black jack dealer in Las Vegas. “It’s the weather I am used to,” Mubarek says, “And the replicas of Luxor and the Sphinx will remind me of home.” The Libyan colonel, Muammar Ghaddafi, has constantly exhorted how he is dedicated to serving and taking orders from his people. Working as a restaurant server—preferably at a restaurant that requires its personnel to wear costumes—and taking orders from diners is his new dream.

What is standing in their way are the neighbors living around the Job Corps Center who are adamant to stop this expansion. And they have ammunition—in another sense of that word. The Job Corps site requirements include guard towers at the parking lot entrances, which these leaders claim is the only safe way of entering a site they are used to, and oversized parking spaces for their stretch jeeps and limos. However, Saint Paul zoning regulations require these non-conforming items to pass variance approvals from the neighborhood, and such mandates seem unlikely at this time.

U.S. government officials have stated getting these despots away from the trouble spots that have created will improve world security, which is a much more important need for world peace than the miscellaneous property issues of the neighborhood.

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Minnesota Governor Requests Denny Hecker Be Declared a Federal Disaster Area

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Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has filed a petition to President Barack Obama to declare doomed former auto dealer Denny Hecker to be a federal disaster area. Given the financial wreckage strewn all over the state by his multiple bankruptcies, vacant auto dealership buildings along I-94, colossal divorce problems, unemployed workers owed huge unpaid wages, the economic impact on Minnesota is staggering. The inability of courts to prevent the Heckster from raiding what should be frozen assets to buy fancy cars for his girlfriends, take lavish vacations and other high living excursions is taking an unusual financial toll on the regional economy.

Political observers have commented that federal funding is unlikely, given Hecker’s ability to raid any funds remotely related to his name.

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Earn Big Money as a Tom Emmer Lookalike!

Tom Emmer
With a plastic face mask accurately crafted to Tom Emmer’s likeness, a blue suit, and a big canvas bag, you can make big money—merely by people throwing it at you!

The Journal of American Rocket Science will sell you a face mask and bag kit. Then, just drop by local restaurants—and —CASH IN!* In a few weeks, you’ll soon earn an average food server’s $100,000 a year salary!

* note: getaway car and driver not included.

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Tipping GOP Candidate for Governor Tom Emmer

2010_06_emmerRecently, Republican-endorsed gubernatorial candidate Tom Emmer stated that waiters and waitresses should be subject to below-minimum wage rates because their tips can give them incomes of over $100,000 a year. Earlier this evening, a dozen members of a culinary hospitality organization spotted Emmer and performed the equivalent of that youthful prank of cow tipping, upturning the hefty politician in a Walmart parking lot.

“It was actually easier than we thought since he already leaned so far to the right,” remarked an unidentified waitress.

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What is it with the hyper-glittery chrome, when there is so much cocaine to buy?

Hyper chrome

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The Journal of American Rocker Science Recommends: Cash For McMansions be next on Obama’s Agenda

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The wildly successful Cash for Clunkers program to thin out gas guzzler cars can make the next step to rid America’s energy wasting way of life. A federal program to buy those super-sized, garage-bloated McMansions should be next on the White House do-list. These gargantuan edifices cause more energy waste than the automobile clunkers, not to mention they are much more visually embarrassing on the American landscape.

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