Author Archive
Journal of American Rocket Science Research Finds Republicans to be a Major Cause of Global Warming
Posted by Administrator in Environment on May 7th, 2012
In an American political party known to be proliferated with old farts, whose political ideologies often label them as dinosaurs, can the Republicans be considered a major cause of global warming?
The Journal of American Rocket Science cites as evidence this Reuters report:
WASHINGTON (Reuters) – In a major new climate finding, researchers have calculated that dinosaur flatulence could have put enough methane into the atmosphere to warm the planet during the hot, wet Mesozoic era.
Like gigantic, long-necked, prehistoric cows, sauropod dinosaurs roamed widely around the Earth 150 million years ago, scientists reported in the journal Current Biology on Monday.
And just like big cows, their plant digestion was aided by methane-producing microbes.
“A simple mathematical model suggests that the microbes living in sauropod dinosaurs may have produced enough methane to have an important effect on the Mesozoic climate,” researcher Dave Wilkinson of Liverpool John Moores University said in a statement.
JARS researchers note the increase in carbon-causing particles coincides with the rise of the Republican party in recent times. JARS will publish further research as studies continue.
Newt Gingrich’s next career—the next Captain Kangaroo?
Posted by Administrator in Politics on May 2nd, 2012
In a surprise move seemingly far afield from his political ambitions, now-former Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich announced today that he was seeking an educational TV role as Captain Kangaroo, the once-beloved star of children’s television.
The Journal of American Rocket Science has learned from informed sources that the perennial Republican spoiler is seeking a new direction, one in which his audience is tightly controlled. Gingrich claims his facial features and animated ambiance are very reminiscent to Bob Keeshan, the original Captain Kangaroo, who starred in a children’s television series which aired weekday mornings on the American television network CBS for nearly 30 years, from October 3, 1955 until December 8, 1984, making it the longest-running nationally broadcast children’s television program of its day.
Newt claims he can stand in for the Captain’s warm relationship between grandparents and children. Moreover, his political career in the Washington scene gives him the ability to be a character who would tell stories, meet guests, and indulge in silly stunts with regular characters, both humans and puppets.
The Journal of American Rocket Science will inform you, and Jon Stewart’s Daily Show, of further developments.
Santorum For Dummies—An up-to-date book for 2012!
Posted by Administrator in Politics on March 26th, 2012
Rick Santorum wants you to let go of your intellectual elitist self—and the Journal of American Rocket Science has just the book for you! Pages of helpful advice, such as how to compost your college diploma and much much more!
Order your book from and the Journal of American Rocket Science today!
Rush Limbaugh Mounts Attack on Mark Trail for Spousal Abandonment
Posted by Administrator in News on March 7th, 2012
In a ricochet moment from his recent shameless castigation of Sandra Fluke, talk show maniac Rush Limbaugh now is slamming a man—not just any man, but newspaper cartoon character Mark Trail. This backwoods nature writer and adventurer, Limbaugh says, spends almost all of his time “battling nefarious ne’er–do-wells in dangerous situations for long periods of time, away from home, returning for one day, then leaving the next morning after being called away by his editor for his next assignment.” This, according to the talk show babbler, makes his wife, Cherry, a wilderness widow—in Limbaugh’s words: “having to carry in firewood, with no one around to defend her from crocodiles.”
“Abandoning his wife, abandoning his family—the man has no shame!” shouted the controversial radio host. “His actions show he is a swamp slut, and not the husband who obligingly obeys his woman, as do the rest of men, like me!”
Newt Gingrich Hires the Journal of American Rocket Science to Design Transport Rockets for Moon Colonies
Posted by Administrator in Politics, Science on March 1st, 2012
Former U.S. Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich’s campaign promise to have colonies on the moon by the end of his second term as President will depend on the right type of rockets to transport the construction materials and continuing supplies to the lunar orb. The Journal of American Rocket Science is now in the design phase of the extraterrestrial vehicles to do the job under a contract with Mr. Gingrich.
Of special importance to this venture is the most powerful form of fuel for rocket propulsion and the JARS scientists have hit upon a highly innovative material—the former speaker’s legendary hot air. Gingrich’s speech has been well known to be extremely fiery and explosive, and its tremendous volume can provide unlimited amounts to power the fleet of rocket ships back and forth to the moon.
JARS scientists have discovered that his hot air contains a noxious compound that can outperform conventional rocket fuel. Moreover, its extremely high volatility may be possible to extend American colonies to the planet Mars, which Gingrich believes—with Republican inhabitants—can fittingly become a red state planet.
Big Box Retailers to Petition U.S. Congress to Delete Thanksgiving and Create BIG BOX DAY
Posted by Administrator in Economy on November 23rd, 2011
Thanksgiving as we have known it since the days of the pilgrims may be a thing of the past, as the Big Box Retailers For a Better America (BBRBA) is organizing federal legislation to substitute a four-day big box holiday weekend, beginning with the third Thursday in November and ending in the final hours of the following Sunday night. “Americans should not have to endure excess unhealthy eating on this obsolete holiday,” remarked MMRBA spokesman Dan Dollar, ”when they can get an early start on celebrating Christmas.”
In the last few years, the big box stores have become fiercely competitive, moving store openings from 6AM the Friday after Thanksgiving to midnight and now into Thanksgiving evening itself, a move that seems only inevitable.
By next year, that traditional holiday song we have grown up with may be rewritten into: “Over the freeway and through the sound barrier walls to big boxes we go.”
Catholic Church Buys Crystal Cathedral – And Hopes to Buy Transparency
Posted by Administrator in Religion on November 20th, 2011
The sort-of-famous Chrystal Cathedral in Orange County, California, designed by noted architect Phillip Johnson and his partner John Burgee, has been sold to the Catholic Church for a reported $57.5 million. The stated reason for the purchase, according to the Orange County Catholic Diocese, is that the structure’s real estate price was too good to pass up.
But the Journal of American Rocket Science has discovered that a conclave of Catholic church hierarchy deliberated as to what to do about the constant criticism of lack of transparency. Finally, one prelate came up with a solution: the answer to lack of transparency is glass, a lot of it. When they learned of the Crystal Cathedral was up for sale, they acted with uncharacteristic quickness.
As one church spokesman commented: “That’s why we are called the Holy See.”
