Author Archive
You might be a Minnesotan if….
Posted by Administrator in Local on April 21st, 2013
Photo taken in front of the Journal of American Rocket Science Headquarters
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Minnesota.
If you’re proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls (like Siberia) is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Minnesota.
If you have ever refused to buy something because it’s “too spendy”, you might live in Minnesota.
If your local Dairy Queen (ice cream) is closed from November through March, you might live in Minnesota.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in Minnesota.
If your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Minnesota.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Minnesota.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Minnesota.
If you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedi, Edina and Shakopee, you might live in Minnesota.
If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Minnesota.
If the word, “Vacation” means going up north past Brainerd for the weekend. You might live in Minnesota.
If you measure distance in hours, you might live in Minnesota.
If you know several people who have hit deer more than once, you might live in Minnesota.
If you often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again, you might live in Minnesota.
If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching, you might live in Minnesota.
If you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events, you might live in Minnesota.
If you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, you might live in Minnesota.
If you think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison, you might live in Minnesota.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, you might live in Minnesota.
If there are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill’s Fleet Farm at any given time, you might live in Minnesota.
If you design your kid’s Halloween (31 October) costume to fit over a snowsuit you might live in Minnesota.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow you might live in Minnesota.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction you might live in Minnesota.
If you can identify a southern or eastern accent you might live in Minnesota.
If you consider Minneapolis exotic, you might live in Minnesota.
If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce, you might live in Minnesota.
If down south to you means Iowa, you might live in Minnesota.
If a brat (bratwurst) is something you eat, you might live in Minnesota.
If you go out to fish fry every Friday, you might live in Minnesota.
If you find 0 degrees F (about -10 C?) “a little chilly” you might live in Minnesota.
If you actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesota friends, you might live in Minnesota!
And our recent additions:
If you have given a lady friend or relative a pair of Santa Claus-styled shotgun shell earrings for Christmas, you might live in Minnesota.
If you like winters but think summers are too short, you might live in Minnesota
If you reluctantly find yourself enjoying yard Christmas decorations, you might live in Minnesota.
If you find yourself politely ignoring yard Christmas decorations you see left up for most of the year, you might live in Minnesota.
If you have a snow shovel in the trunk of your car, you might live in Minnesota.
Thanks to Angela for the tips!
Will Father Guido Sarducci become the next pope?
Posted by Administrator in Religion on March 7th, 2013
Right now, Father Guido Sarducci is tan, rested, and ready to serve, to become the Catholic Church’s first American pope. Several years after retiring from his faux priestly duties, dedicating his leisure time to playing pinochle on the Atlantic City boardwalk, calls are coming from all over the nation for the good padre to await the call from the College of Cardinals when he is elected pope.
Father Guido Sarducci played a chain-smoking priest with tinted eyeglasses on Saturday Night Live, as a purported gossip columnist and rock critic for the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano. In 1973, the actor Don Novello purchased an outfit (consisting of big floppy black hat, white clerical collar, and a long, red-trimmed black coat with cape) for $7.50 at a St. Vincent de Paul Thrift Store. (source: Wikipedia)
The Journal of American Rocket Science is joining many other interest groups, such as a Liberals Unite! publication and a Facebook page with over 6,000 likes. Advocates for a Sarducci pope point out his unconventional Catholicism is a refreshing need for the Church.
Fr. Sarducci is familiar with the Vatican. In 1981 he made newspaper headlines when he visited Vatican City wearing the Father Guido Sarducci costume to do a photo shoot for Time magazine. After taking pictures in an area where photography was prohibited, he and his photographer were arrested by Swiss Guards, and charged with “impersonating a priest.” Although the guards attempted to confiscate the film from the shoot, the photographer managed to hand them the wrong film. The charges were later dropped.
He listed one advantage of being a priest as getting first pick at the annual parish garage sale.
As pope, Fr. Guido says he will institute “Shrinemobiles,” taking the shrines to where the people are.
The Journal of American Rocket Science and the world awaits.
Journal of American Rocket Science Recommends RT Ryback to Replace Benedict XVI as Pope
Posted by Administrator in Religion on February 12th, 2013
In an unprecedented move today, the Journal of American Rocket Science recommends City of Minneapolis Mayor RT Ryback to replace Benedict XVI as Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. This surprise event quickly followed Benedict’s announcement he will resign effectively February 28 as spiritual leader of this worldwide religious church.
The Journal of American Rocket Science bases its decision on several factors: Ryback is in his last term as mayor and is prime for upward political movement. More importantly, the mayor’s hip, happening persona can dramatically transform this moribund institution to be in tune with today’s world. This young, twenty-three year old, handsome mayor is politically progressive. He can capture headlines as he crowd surfs into the Catholic College of Cardinals at his ordination and with RT’s flair for public appearance, he can wear those hyper-ornate vestments with his traditional habit for mis-matched socks.
RT1 is expected to make his announcement soon.
Journal of American Rocket Science Proposes Innovative National Defense Strategy
Posted by Administrator in Politics on January 8th, 2013
Congress’s upcoming plan for reducing government spending to control deficits gets an innovative proposal by the Journal of American Rocket Science: vacate the Pentagon in Arlington County, Virginia, which significantly reduces a huge bureaucracy and big ticket weapons spending. The behemoth 6,500,000 square foot space will be converted into a vast array of retail uses, such as building 11 multiplex theaters, 17 indoor golf putting ranges, 31 car dealerships, multitudes of H&R Blocks, McDonalds, Menards, and Target big box stores, Starbucks, and three complete Mall of America shopping centers.
The five-acre central plaza will hold several Olympic swimming pools, 13 flea markets and a steeplechase course.
The resulting property taxes can help trim the Federal deficit. National defense will be greatly strengthened by eliminating thousands of government jobs, with the laid-off workers to be readily converted into retail clerks and store entrance greeters. In addition, billions of dollars will be saved by eliminating Pentagon spending on esoteric expensive weapons that the military says they don’t need.
And a name change is planned: the Pentagon name will go. The new name: THE COSMOPOLITAN.
Journal of American Rocket Science Predictions for 2013
Posted by Administrator in Culture on December 16th, 2012
RT Rybak wins an unprecedented Academy award for his showmanship as Minneapolis mayor – quits mayor job to be Oscars master of ceremonies. Of course, he body surfs into the crowd at the end of the show.
Amazon buys all rights to the next political presidential conventions.
Amazon buys voting stations throughout the nation.
Amazon, Apple and Google start mercenary armies.
Estate of Mel Jass, (pictured here), former TV pitch man in the 1950s, will sell his ashes on an afternoon TV show.
Mark Trail gets a sex change.
Mitt Romney will make an attempt to bring back the Twinkie.
Instead of the traditional Minnesota governor’s fishing opener, Mark Dayton goes up to Lake Vermilion to put in the first dock of the season.
Minnesota will adopt the pothole as the state land feature.
Ultra-conservative scientist claims to disprove global warming, saying this can’t happen to an earth that is flat.
Hummers designated as toxic material, restricted from waste landfills.
Minneapolis City council unsuccessfully attempts to privatize Mayor RT Rybak.
Developer purchases entire city of Eden Prairie to convert it into a replica of the Gull Lake area.
Embarrass Township votes to change its name to Salubrious Meadows.
And…
The current zombie craze will be replaced by PBPs, power ball prognosticators who will sell you a program to pick the winning power ball tickets. The PBPs happen to live in Nigeria.
Can Minneapolis and Saint Paul get along with each other on another planet?
Posted by Administrator in Local on December 4th, 2012
December 21, 2012 – the day the Mayan calendar tells us the apocalypse will happen. The 5,125 year cycle stipulates the whole world as we know it will be destroyed by a fiery explosion. Well—not quite the whole world.
In the last several years, the Journal of American Rocket Science (JARS) has been building a vast rocket system to lift these cities off the earth and land them on a planet in a solar system far away. Most of the engineering and structural details are complete. The designated planet has an air and water supply, and Journal of American Rocket Science experts have located a slightly curving river that simulates the yin-yang of the river of our common boundary and the imponderable meta culture of both cities.
However—should both cities continue to be semi-connected physically when the cultural differences are so—well—peculiar? Would residents of each city want to continue this dubious pairing, or should both cities settle in place on the new planet a few time zones apart? It has been said more than once by Minneapolitans that “If Saint Paul fell off the face of the earth” they wouldn’t notice it. And many Saint Paul citizens like to claim their city has a history, while Minneapolis acts as if it can never get new enough.
But there are benefits to maintaining this closeness. Some Saint Paulites call Minneapolis a party town; they can get totally drunk in that place, wade out of the debris they caused, and go back across the river to their cozy homes. And some Minneapolis people joke it’s a challenge for them to get lost in Saint Paul and see how many silly named streets it takes to get them back to Minneapolis.
In the meantime, (JARS) scientists are re-checking important details, such as keeping the height of the State Capitol dome respectful to the Cathedral of Saint Paul. Bridge structures will reconnect both cities once they are set in place. One building that won’t be relocated—the now-irrelevant Archbishops’ residence will have no value in this great beyond. Another critically important item on the do list: put back up that paper sign that fell off the cashier’s window of the Victory Ramp on Wabasha Street indicating how Minneapolis-bound motorists can get back onto I-94 West.