Author Archives: Administrator

Journal of American Rocket Science 20014

image1In mid-February 2014, Bob Roscoe and Doug Mack noticed an announcement for the Preserve Minneapolis’s February 2014 Breakfast With a Preservationist event somehow carried the 20014 date. So the pair pondered by e-mail what would be the issues in historic preservation and city planning 18,000 years from now – in 20014.

Here are their findings:

The Guthrie Theater will finally find its true calling and will be reused as an orbiting IKEA.

The Minneapolis Planning and Economic Development Department will re-define a “small area plan” to contain an entire solar system.

By 20014, Minneapolis downtown skyways will be converted into human transport tubes to whisk business people around the area in milliseconds. 

20014 Historians will read 20th century copies of the Star Tribune, and with Sid Hartman’s large amount of copy space, assume Sid was a spiritual leader and obscured his wisdom with pseudo-inane commentary. 

The U of M’s golden gopher will morph into a golden gopher robot.

At the Preserve Minneapolis’s 20014 Breakfast With a Preservationist event, the audience will probably have Soylent Green pastries served by robots.

Preserve Minneapolis will still call their Summer events Walking & Biking Tours—but conduct them with jetpacks and teleporting.

The Vikings will be asking for a new planet for their space-stadium.

Block E will still be empty and sad.

Most coffeehouses’ upper shelves of Monin syrups will be unchanged from 2001.

Saint Paul won’t have changed much.

Working Lingo for New York Bartenders

11154799-manhattan-cocktail-garnished-with-a-cherry-and-lemon-and-gold-glitter-back-ground-1On February 16th, 2014, the New York Times published an article titled ‘Behind Bars’ that decoded lingo used by the city’s fast-paced bartenders who much communicate quickly with each other during frenetic evenings pressed in by drinkers-in-waiting.

Here are some notable if not sardonic descriptions of their multitudes of patrons sitting just across the bar counter from them:

Soul Stealer – a barfly who comes in (usually when it’s quiet) and sucks out the barman’s very core with his self-centered depressing rhetoric.
Pitching a tent or camping – sitting forever after finishing a drink.
Cloudy – an intoxicated customer.
Red light – to cut a customer off.
Baby – a minor.
Book Club – a group of (almost exclusively) women who drink (almost exclusively) wine – excruciatingly very slowly.
Franklin – a great tipper.
Mikana – a cute or hot girl.
Mkana V.S.O.P. – a beautiful woman who is a bit older.
Strangler – a guy who pesters women.
Sniper – who wears sun glasses indoors, at night.
Nice Shoes – a hot girl alert.
The tour bus stopped out front – when 25 people walk in at the same time.
The turn – crossing over to midnight.
Pharmacist – who orders the most obscure drinks with the most obscure specifications.
Dairy Queens – Guests who order multiple creamy drinks.

Journal of American Rocket Science Predictions for the Year 2014

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  • The Hostess Company launches a rocket to the moon to make a smiley face of Twinkies on the lunar surface.
  • Rick Perry gives up Texas politics to become the new Marlboro man.
  • Governor Mark Dayton travels to Las Vegas to delver a speech at a political workshop, mistakenly goes to a comedy club instead, and what became a one night stand up comedy act is a smash hit. Variety Magazine lauds his impersonation of a fumbling politician.
  • The Guthrie Theater closes. IKEA immediately snaps up a deal to buy the building and opens a multi-level bar furniture mart.
  • Block E becomes converted into a multi-store discount mall featuring K Mart, Walmart, Sam’s Club, Mattress World, and The Used Tire Emporium.
  • Latest trend in hip restaurants: pot hole cooking. Chefs will fabricate facsimiles of potholes in city streets, installing burners underneath to prepare food for their patrons – the most popular being pot roast.
  • Minneapolis School board goes for ranked choice voting to select new superintendent: Miss Richfield is elected.
  • The administration of the Minnesota Orchestra will continue the musicians’ lockout with their new economic plan to operate at a small deficit by paying executives and staff without offering any orchestra musical programming.
  • The University of Minnesota will follow the Minnesota Orchestra’s administration’s economic plan: to make funding available for increased staff, the U will eliminate students.
  • Saint Paul officials require uneaten lutefisk must be deposited in a hazardous waste dump.

Saving the Embattled Star Tribune Building

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A vexing historic preservation problem has appeared in the proposed Vikings Stadium issue. Local preservation groups are fighting to keep an iconic building from demolition to make way for a plaza as part of the stadium complex near downtown Minneapolis.

The Star Tribune of the Twin Cities reports in their November 20th issue the original building was constructed in 1919 and 1920 by the Nonpartisan League, a populist movement that founded the Minnesota Daily Star. The building’s façade changed dramatically during the 1940s through the 1960s, reflecting Art Deco and mid-century modern elements.

The issue appears be solved by an architectural proposal recently submitted to Minneapolis preservation organizations.

Film Maker Ian Fleming Announces Re-Make of Dr No.

Dr No
The Republican Party of Ohio has just announced they have commissioned Ian Fleming to produce a re-make of Dr No, this time portraying U.S. Speaker of the House John Boehner.

Fleming has begun work on the movie, which will be released in early 2014. Although Sean Connery was the major star of the first Dr No, the leading role for this film will be played by Speaker Boehner himself, who also will be the main scriptwriter.

The Dr. No movie we have long been familiar with is a 1962 British spy film, starring Sean Connery; it is the first James Bond film, based on the 1958 novel of the same name by Ian Fleming.

British Fleet Now Streaming Toward the US to Recapture Colonies

Fleet
The Journal of American Rocket Science has reported scores of British four-masted warships sailing westward in the Atlantic Ocean on course toward the United States. The Journal has uncovered secret British intelligence that reveals Britain has long harbored an opportunity to re-take the American Colonies after their humiliating surrender at Yorktown on October 19, 1871, to the Colonial military forces which ended the Revolutionary War.

The Journal’s findings indicate after the Yorktown surrender, Britain brought back its warship fleet to a secret harbor in the Thames River, mothballed the ships until the right time would occur to sail back and retake the colonies.

With the current Federal shutdown of the US government, including furloughing personnel of Coast Guard and military radar stations, the British government has decided the American political disarray provides the perfect time to reclaim what Britain says are their rightful lands. More to the point, the Republican Party’s current strategy to dismantle critical parts of American government gives the opportunity Britain has been waiting for the past 242 years.

In the last few days, commercial airliners crossing the Atlantic have reported the unusual sailing ship convoys crossing the ocean to the National Security Agency, but NSA documented this ship activity as practice sailing for the next America’s Cup. The Journal of American Rocket Science is now pondering whether the name of that race will change when competition resumes in 2017.

Block E to Become Slee X?

Block E
The ill-conceived and long vacant Block E retail complex in downtown Minneapolis has lately become the subject of what-to-do ideas. The Journal of American Rocket Science has a two part solution.

Part One:
Block E is incapable of re-use, and must be razed. This process can be a community participation event – a cooperative demolition derby, by teams of wrecking ball operators.

Who could be on these teams? You could, of course.

With a two hour course in wrecking ball machine operation, followed by a 15 minute exercise in manipulating a State Fair midway booth featuring a toy crane and bucket to pick up a shot glass in a pile of sewing thimbles. For the cost of $100, you can sit in the cab of the wrecking ball machine and pull the levers to make the huge steel ball swing into Block E. Each night, trucks would haul; away the debris to make the next day ready for the next wrecking ball jockeys.

Part Two:
When the site is totally cleared, the Journal of American Rocket Science implements a historic preservation-based team of architects and builders to create a new building complex, to be named the Slee Z Interpretive Center, replicating the long gone storefront of bars, greasy spoon cafes, adult book stores, and strip joints that once did business in this downtown block.

Patrons could step back in history to see, feel and taste what these enterprises once offered. In the Slee Z Interpretive Center, they could experience a replica of a bookstore selling trashy magazines, or taste simulated greasy food, People could pose as saloon customers to drink simulated rot gut whiskey, and see a group of actors pretend to get into a bar fight with billy club swinging cops throwing them out the door. And at Baudy Body, choreographed dancers would re-enact that time-honored strip and tease.

Soon, new generations, long inured to the antiseptic and squeaky clean downtown night life, will pump new energy and plenty of tax dollars into downtown Minneapolis.