Rick Santorum wants you to let go of your intellectual elitist self—and the Journal of American Rocket Science has just the book for you! Pages of helpful advice, such as how to compost your college diploma and much much more!
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In a ricochet moment from his recent shameless castigation of Sandra Fluke, talk show maniac Rush Limbaugh now is slamming a man—not just any man, but newspaper cartoon character Mark Trail. This backwoods nature writer and adventurer, Limbaugh says, spends almost all of his time “battling nefarious ne’er–do-wells in dangerous situations for long periods of time, away from home, returning for one day, then leaving the next morning after being called away by his editor for his next assignment.” This, according to the talk show babbler, makes his wife, Cherry, a wilderness widow—in Limbaugh’s words: “having to carry in firewood, with no one around to defend her from crocodiles.”
“Abandoning his wife, abandoning his family—the man has no shame!” shouted the controversial radio host. “His actions show he is a swamp slut, and not the husband who obligingly obeys his woman, as do the rest of men, like me!”
Former U.S. Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich’s campaign promise to have colonies on the moon by the end of his second term as President will depend on the right type of rockets to transport the construction materials and continuing supplies to the lunar orb. The Journal of American Rocket Science is now in the design phase of the extraterrestrial vehicles to do the job under a contract with Mr. Gingrich.
Of special importance to this venture is the most powerful form of fuel for rocket propulsion and the JARS scientists have hit upon a highly innovative material—the former speaker’s legendary hot air. Gingrich’s speech has been well known to be extremely fiery and explosive, and its tremendous volume can provide unlimited amounts to power the fleet of rocket ships back and forth to the moon.
JARS scientists have discovered that his hot air contains a noxious compound that can outperform conventional rocket fuel. Moreover, its extremely high volatility may be possible to extend American colonies to the planet Mars, which Gingrich believes—with Republican inhabitants—can fittingly become a red state planet.