American business impresario Donald Trump will soon announce that he will no longer seek the American presidency and will instead seek what he calls his “rightful role” as the next Dalai Lama of Tibet, long revered as a god figure in the centuries-old tradition of this mountainous country in the Himalayan region of Asia.
The present and exiled Tibetan leader has recently announced that he will depart from tradition and step down from his holy position to find his replacement through a political process. However, according to Journal of American Rocket Science sources, Trump will claim that his recent discovery—that he was born in Tibet at the time the former Dalai Lama died—makes him the legitimate successor.
According to Tibetan tradition, the Dalai Lama as god never really dies; when he breathes his last breath, he is reincarnated as a male born at that same instant. Trump claims he—not the present Dalai Lama—is the real god of Tibet; due to a daylight savings time mixup at the time when his parents visited that country, he is the real god and leader of this holy province.
The now-reigning Dalai Lama disputes Trump’s claim, asserting this is just another Trump braggadocio move. To back up his statement, the Dalai Lama says he has a birth certificate in his possession that proves that Trump was born in Kenya.
Meanwhile, Trump is moving ahead with his plans to lead Tibet and is moving construction crews to the fabled Potala Palace high up in the Himalayan capitol for a massive renovation project. “What a big-ass casino-hotel this will be,” claims Trump, which he says he will rename “Hello Dalai.” Trump adds: “Those monks have lived up there on nothing but prayer, so they will be ideal minimum wage waiters and casino helpers.”
If you are a wine critic, you can make big money in art history!
That staid academic field, dominated for centuries by pompous intellectuals, whose writing intended to keep art history safe from the public domain, is now seeking a role in the marketplace. Art history departments are looking for writers who know how to connect with the public with marketable phrases and descriptions.
If you are a wine critic, you can place yourself with the top wage earners in the field of art history, because your descriptions of wine on vineyard websites have the requisite snob appeal upon which art history depends, with enticing descriptions that cause wine aficionados to pull out their credit cards and order cases of wine suggested by you. And if you are not a wine critic, The Journal of American Rocket Science can teach you!
Here is an example: One of our enrollees was placed in an Ivy League art history department with the following description of Michelangelo’s David, a 17-foot-tall marble male nude that was installed in Florence’s public square in 1504. “The year 1504 came in a succession of vintage years for Michelangelo, an appellation which made the Italian sculptor famous for centuries. This statue’s vertical accents combine with a suppleness and power, which can be enjoyed with charcuterie, subtly-rounded burgundies, and red fruit. The sculptor produced graceful, concentrated notes which offer balance and a complex potential for aging, shone well with a prominent nose and a mineral finish.”
Don’t wait any longer—call The Journal of American Rocket Science today!
The Hubert Humphrey Job Corps Center in Saint Paul is planning to expand their disadvantaged youth–oriented education center to train deposed and about to-be-ousted world dictators for new and meaningful careers. But their intentions have run into fierce opposition by neighborhood residents: “With our nation’s troublesome unemployment rate, the last people who should be taking jobs away from Americans are these already-rich tyrants,” howled one neighbor who asked not to be identified.
Highly classified documents within the U.S. State Department obtained by The Journal of American Rocket Science reveal that Libya’s Muammar Ghaddafi, Hosni Mubarek of Eygpt, Laurent Ghagbo of the Ivory Coast, Ali Abdullah Seleh of Yemen, Bashar al-Assad of Syria, and John Edwards of South Carolina have publically postured themselves as defiant, but are secretly anxious to learn new job skills in unassuming occupations without the stress of running third world governments.
Hosni Mubarek, for example, wants to parlay his recently acquired past-time of playing solitaire into becoming a black jack dealer in Las Vegas. “It’s the weather I am used to,” Mubarek says, “And the replicas of Luxor and the Sphinx will remind me of home.” The Libyan colonel, Muammar Ghaddafi, has constantly exhorted how he is dedicated to serving and taking orders from his people. Working as a restaurant server—preferably at a restaurant that requires its personnel to wear costumes—and taking orders from diners is his new dream.
What is standing in their way are the neighbors living around the Job Corps Center who are adamant to stop this expansion. And they have ammunition—in another sense of that word. The Job Corps site requirements include guard towers at the parking lot entrances, which these leaders claim is the only safe way of entering a site they are used to, and oversized parking spaces for their stretch jeeps and limos. However, Saint Paul zoning regulations require these non-conforming items to pass variance approvals from the neighborhood, and such mandates seem unlikely at this time.
U.S. government officials have stated getting these despots away from the trouble spots that have created will improve world security, which is a much more important need for world peace than the miscellaneous property issues of the neighborhood.
Although not yet publically announced, informed sources with The Journal of American Rocket Science have discovered that Minnesota Public Radio has selected spiritual enthusiast Krista Tippet to lead MPR’s long-running Prairie Home Companion show. She will replace the show’s founder, Garrison Keillor, when he retires sometime in 2012.
Tippet’s MPR show, Being, which evolved from its previous form, Speaking of Faith, will now transform the folk music and chicken jokes of Keillor’s old-fashioned, radio variety show into incorporeal realms where abstract deifications of banjo joy gain understanding as nourishment of rhythmic meaning. It will also answer the eternal question why a chicken crosses the road: to transport self beyond traditional boundaries. And the everyday lives of Lake Wobegon’s residents, marked by habitual oddness of pragmatic events, will be guided by Tippet beyond their humdrum existentialism into fulfilling realms of self-actualization.
The show’s name, Prairie Home Companion, will become Prairie Quantum Indeterminism.
According to informed sources, when Tippet was asked if she will sing on the show, she replied, “No, I can’t sing. However, Keillor can’t sing either.”