Monthly Archives: March 2009

Amish Built Space Shuttle Now Under Construction

2009_03_amish_spaceshipBowing to pressure by Creationists who have increasingly been calling much of science to be wishy-washy theory invented by atheists without basis in religious belief, NASA has commissioned the Amish to build the next space shuttle. At this time, Amish carpenters are wielding hand saws, hammers and hand-driven drills to craft a huge oak-clad space ship destined for the climes of outer space.

Meanwhile, a creationist-based flight school based at Bob Jones University is preparing a crew to navigate the wood structured shuttle with “intelligent navigation,” based on bible texts and inspirational hymns. Given the Amish prohibition against using electricity, the flight crew will operate the shuttle with ropes and pulleys, illuminated by candles.

Despite some measure of skepticism by the traditional hard science –oriented NASA administrators, one of the engineers, who goes by the name Moondog Aquarius, claims he hasn’t been as excited about space travel since his former days as a Malibu surfer, when he traveled up and down southern California beaches in his now classic 1940s wood-sided Mercury station wagon. “Hey man,” he exclaims, “ those Amish are so retro –  building a woodie to shoot into space – that’s  totally scape!”

State of Illinois and Zimbabwe to Trade Controversial Leaders

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A high stakes international leader exchange will be announced soon, as the state of Illinois is about to exchange former governor Rod Blagojovich with Robert Mugabe, embattled dictatorial leader of the African nation of Zimbabwe.

Both governments are excited to finalize the deal. Illinois political officials say getting the Rodster out of the governor’s chair was not enough – they want him out of the state and out of the U.S., even if they have to take Mugabe in return. Zimbabwe government say their leader will fit right into Illinois politics.

Endangered Species – Hummer Dealerships

2009_03_hummervilleA prominent and potent symbol of the culmination of Twentieth Century American culture – the Hummer – is disappearing from the highways and parking lots of this nation.

Inevitably, those ostentatious Hummer dealership show places that sold them will likewise become endangered roadside architecture. When these provocatively designed structures located near freeways, disintegrate into the fields, America will have lost the spirit that defined who we are – or were.

Many Hummer dealerships have closed, and their signature overtly curving up and down ramps, with their old-time timber fences, no longer display mighty Hummers humping up at their moment of climax. Instead, weeds sprout through parking lot asphalt, and wind-blown McDonald wrappers are scattered against the large glass show windows that now only reveal a history of lost ideals.
Historic preservation should step up to the plate, and rescue these Hummer Dealerships; convert these structures into Hummer Interpretive Museums, so that future generations can gain the sense of what late Twentieth Century America was all about.