Archive for March, 2008
Those neighbors in that quiet rambler down the block – the one with a plastic awning over the front entrance that has green indoor-outdoor carpet covering the steps, the Chevrolet station wagon parked in back, and the twinkly christmas lights hanging from roof eaves all year around – and that pink flamingo in their front yard, whose eyes seem to follow you as you walk down the sidewalk – and make you smile back. But the Journal of American Rocket Science is warning you: don’t look at that pink plastic bird again! The bird’s eyes are actually electronic scanning devices, and the homeowners are sleeper cell members of a widespread extremist sect plotting to take over America.
Journal of American Rocket Science researchers uncovered this plot recently when they discovered that the flamingos’ skinny steel legs penetrating into the ground are wired into a vast underground network, connecting a central command to sleeper cells in neighborhoods throughout the nation. Further evidence reveals this group has trained its members to take extensive measures to blend into typical neighborhoods to seem as unobtrusive as possible, acting like normal middle class citizens. The pink flamingos in front yards make these cell members seem more normal than other neighbors, and the birds also function to conduct surveillance of the surrounding neighborhood. These cell members are to act placid until they receive a coded signal from central command, causing them instantaneously and quietly to charge out of their houses and seize control of our country.
When The Department of Homeland Security was given evidence in detail of the Journal of American Rocket Science’s discovery, the bureau replied several weeks later that penguins in front yards are not subject to local zoning laws.
Sensing imminent victory in November to be elected as President of the United States, Sen. Barak Obama is now looking ahead to implement his administration operating procedures to be put in place immediately after the first few minutes of the inauguration ceremony swearing into office.
To remove the Bush program of national fear, one of Obama’s first moves will be to engage the nation into audaciousness of hope tby re-naming the Department of Homeland Security to “The Place of Homeland Contentment.” To highlight this change, the Terror Alert signs near airports and federal buildings will become “Contentment Level Signs.”
The Obama transition team has contacted the color consulting division at the Journal of American Rocket Science to select new engaging colors, replacing the ominous yellow, orange and red alert colors to optimistic and pleasant blue hues: