Journal of American Rocket Science Promises No More Acceleration of Publishing
Posted by Administrator in News on March 2nd, 2010
The Journal of American Rocket Science today announced its recent acceleration of publishing research that began in December will level off to a consistent level for the time being. Researchers have also stated there will be no recall of any published articles.
Maintaining quality and reputation is of highest importance, says Journal representatives, as the publication scores highest in satisfaction with reliability/dependability.
My Job Is Mining Lead—But That Tells Me A Lot About Paint
Posted by Administrator in Lifestyle on February 19th, 2010
“From the June 1939 issue of Architectural Record”
Now! Available for your Toyota! DASHBOARD BUDDHA
Posted by Administrator in Lifestyle on February 12th, 2010
Following over a half-century’s successes Christianity has had with dashboard likenesses of Christ, the Journal of American Rocket Science has developed a solution that can get you through the many crises you may be having just getting your Toyota from home to work.
The Journal of American Rocket Science has developed the dashboard Buddha* for the Toyota Corporation, and the auto dealers can install one in your Toyota for much less than the cost of accelerator pedal replacement or brake repairs.
Make your appointment now!
*Safe for church parking lots
Under-Designed vs Over-designed
Posted by Administrator in Art & Design on February 9th, 2010
As design is becoming more important in everyday life, we sometimes decry what is under-designed. But when we look at the world around us, can we see certain relationships between what is under-designed and what is over-designed?
Here are some possibilities:
Osama Bin Laden Takes Credit for Toyota Gas Pedal Defects
Posted by Administrator in World on February 8th, 2010
In a soon-to-be-publicized announcement, Al-Qaida chief Osama bin Laden says he was the mastermind behind the defective gas pedal in recently manufactured Toyota automobiles that have stuck in a manner that allowed increased acceleration.
“I am a genius,” the Al-Quaida leader remarked, “for taking Japanese transport vehicles and making their drivers into kamikaze pilots.”
United States Supreme Court to File Today for S Corporation Status in the Bahamas
Posted by Administrator in Politics on January 28th, 2010
In a very quiet move today, the United States Supreme Court will incorporate to establish itself as an S corporation. The justices will be using an online program, www.incorporatefast.com, and by tomorrow will be packing up file cabinets onto a Fedex cargo plane for their new corporate headquarters in an undisclosed location in the Bahamas.
“We are taking this move to become a more effective instrument of justice,” a court spokesperson stated, “So we have to become a corporation in order to better serve corporate interests.” The off-shore location will greatly reduce their tax obligations.
As to what will become of the soon-to-be vacant Supreme Court Building in the heart of Washington D.C., the justices are negotiating a long term lease to the Hilton Hotel Corporation.
Journal of American Rocket Science Accuses Televangelist Pat Robertson of Suppressing Rush Limbaugh’s Devil Pact
Posted by Administrator in Entertainment, Religion on January 20th, 2010
Carefully researched information by the Journal of American Rocket Science has revealed that Televangelist Pat Robertson has known for years that political animation figure Rush Limbaugh rid himself of his addiction to painkiller drugs by pleading with the devil to exorcise him of his troublesome habit. Robertson, however, has hidden his awareness of Limbaugh’s recovery, which he was told by the devil himself when the Hades honcho decided to tease the faux-religious Robertson about his comrade.
In return for freeing him of his drug habit, Limbaugh agreed to do all in his power to bring down America with his hyper-weirdo vitriolic attacks. Since Robertson has the same motives to demonstrate divine punishment for what he believes liberals have done to the nation, the Journal of American Rocket Science questions if this is why Robertson, in a pact of his own with Rush, for once is keeping quiet.
Ugh You Turkey!
Posted by Administrator in Local on November 25th, 2009
Block E – the Downtown Minneapolis Gobbler
To reprise the Star Tribune’s “Oh You Turkey!” annual holiday coloring contest for kids, The Journal of American Rocket Science is presenting the ‘Ugh You Turkey!’ crayon exercise for urban enthusiasts in the Twin Cities.
To call this urban desecration an architectural tofurkey would do an injustice to health food gourmets, but get out your crayons and go to work.
42
Posted by Administrator in Science on November 20th, 2009
Radio telescope image of the universe.
A few days ago, I took my new Nikon D 3000 digital camera into National Camera Exchange on Hennepin Avenue, where I had bought it, to get instructions from their expert staff on a particular function of my camera. The two women behind the counter, very adept in their knowledge while apparently very early in their photographic lives, quickly answered my question, then one of them asked me, “Do you have any more questions?”
“Not about the existence of God,” I replied.
One of them quickly replied, “Anything you need to know about that can be found in the ‘Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” She was referring to the comic science fiction series, written by Douglas Adams, which has become popular among sci-fi and computer enthusiasts. In the book is this passage:
‘I refuse to prove that I exist,’ says God, ‘for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.’
I had read that Douglas Adams book many years ago at the prompting of my daughter Carla during her high school years, but what I remembered most was the all-significant question in this quixotic and humorous science-fiction book – “What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?” Then I tried to remember the nonsensical answer, which I thought was “54,” but wasn’t sure.
When I got back to my computer, I googled “What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?” The Google Search quickly gave me my answer at the very top of the page, heading the numerous entries:
the answer to life the universe and everything = 42
More about calculator. So I had it all wrong. Thank god for Google.
What is it with the hyper-glittery chrome, when there is so much cocaine to buy?
Posted by Administrator in Economy on November 10th, 2009
New Research
Posted by Administrator in Religion on October 12th, 2009
The Journal of American Science editors found this reference during recent research:
You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.
We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.
We are currently active in 22 states. Our representatives have been screened to ensure that they are atheists, animal lovers, are moral / ethical with no criminal background, have the ability and desire to rescue your pet and the means to retrieve them and ensure their care for your pet’s natural life.
We currently cover the following states:
Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan, Arkansas, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, Colorado, Oklahoma, Kansas, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, North Carolina (new) and Georgia (new).
Our service is plain and simple; our fee structure is reasonable.
For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved. Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional $15.00 fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged and feathered friends.
Unfortunately at this time we are not equipped to accommodate all species and must limit our services to dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, and small caged mammals. [PLEASE NOTE: we can now offer rescue services for horses, camels, llamas and donkeys in NH,VT, ID and MT ]
Thank you for your interest in Eternal Earth-Bound Pets. We hope we can help provide you with peace of mind.
Here’s the link to the website
http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/
.........................
Seed Art, Michele Bachmann and the State Fair
Posted by Administrator in Local, Politics on September 4th, 2009
From the Thursday September 3 issue of the Twin Cities Daily Planet, with permission, we reprint this feature:
Seed Art, Michele Bachmann and the State Fair
Seed art is a long tradition at the Minnesota State Fair. This year’s crop includes some pointed, political entries.
AnnaConda – Snakewoman
GOP Sideshow – AnnaConda, Snakewoman
GOP Sideshow – World’s biggest ego, world’s thinnest skin
Madame Michelle’s Zany Predictilns
GOP Sideshow – Madame Michelle’s Zany Predictions
Michele Bachmann, Patron Saint of Wingnuts
Obama Birth Certificate
Obama Birth Certificate – Birthers, Move On!
Michele’s Precious Moments
Precious Moments Close-Up
“I’m not blaming [swine flu] on President Obama. I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.” Michele Bachmann
For more seed art close-ups, see the full post at tcdailyplanet.net
The Journal of American Rocker Science Recommends: Cash For McMansions be next on Obama’s Agenda
Posted by Administrator in Economy, Real Estate on August 6th, 2009
The wildly successful Cash for Clunkers program to thin out gas guzzler cars can make the next step to rid America’s energy wasting way of life. A federal program to buy those super-sized, garage-bloated McMansions should be next on the White House do-list. These gargantuan edifices cause more energy waste than the automobile clunkers, not to mention they are much more visually embarrassing on the American landscape.
….. And One Giant Hot Dog for Mankind
Posted by Administrator in Local on July 22nd, 2009
Forty years after the Apollo 11 moon landing, a landing approach in a Wisconsin driveway didn’t go so well.
How a Computer With 160 Kilobytes of Memory Made the Apollo 11 Moon Landing Possible
Posted by Administrator in Science on July 17th, 2009
Information provided by BBC News, Jonathan Feldes, July 15, 2009
Don Eyles says getting a job on the Apollo mission was probably the greatest stroke of luck in his life.
Now, 40 years after Apollo 11 landed Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin on the Moon, the work of the unsung heroes who designed and built the Apollo Guidance Computer (AGC) is back in the spotlight.
“I wasn’t so aware of the responsibility at the time – it sort of sunk in later,” said Don Eyles, a 23-year-old self-described “beatnik” who had just graduated from Boston University and was set the task of programming the software for the Moon landing. “I don’t recall the risk and the responsibility and the fact that other people’s lives were to some extent in our hands.”
But although Mr Eyles embodied the young, can-do attitude of many of the 400,000 people, he nevertheless epitomized a more cautious approach. The team of ex-textile workers and watch-makers were employed by defense firm Raytheon to “weave” the software into the memory of the computer. “The astronauts toured the production facilities and got people to realize that it was real and they were real,” explained Eldon Hall, designer of the AGC. “The little old ladies said: ‘that could be my son so I am going to do my job as well as I can’.”
The AGC was a first-of-its-kind device that would become the forerunner of all “fly-by-wire” aircraft systems and the computer that would land man on the Moon. “The computer was tiny compared to the one in your cell phone,” said Mr Eyles. “Tiny in every dimension except size.” The one cubic-foot-sized machine had the equivalent of 160 kilobytes of memory and could do a very simple addition in 24 microseconds. “That may sound very fast, but compared to modern computers that’s extremely slow,” said Mr Eyles. “You have to understand that anything the computer did was made up of thousands if not millions of instructions.” Although relatively lethargic and cumbersome, NASA realized early on that an onboard digital computer was the only way to guarantee success.
“Why was onboard navigation a basic requirement for Apollo? Well, because the Russians might not play fair. They might jam communications,” Dr Richard Battin, director of the AGC project, recently told a conference. In addition, the missions were so complex that the fledgling space agency could see no other way for the astronauts to reach the Moon. “The pilots could not fly the thing… even though they kept thinking they would,” explained Mr Hall. In fact, some engineers thought that any intervention from the astronauts was completely unnecessary. “From our point of view the guidance system could be completely without the pilot,” Mr Hall told BBC News.
The contract to build the system – between the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and NASA - was the first of the Apollo program and was signed just 76 days after JFK outlined his plans, highlighting the importance placed on the machine. But Mr Hall remembers that many remained skeptical that it would work. “The biggest problem was convincing people that a computer could be reliable,” he said. “That was harder than designing it.”
In the 1960s most computers were still housed in their own buildings and required huge amounts of power and frequent repairs. In contrast, the AGC had to be small, lightweight, never fail and consume less power than a 60 watt light bulb. It also had to be designed and built in eight years or less by a team that were themselves grappling with new ideas. “I only heard the word ‘digital’ once through my entire time at university,” admitted Mr Hall. But the MIT lab had a long history of designing instrumentation for weapons and aircraft, and it was felt that the team of engineers was up to the task.
Early on, the constraints of the size and the requirements of the computer forced the team to make some bold decisions. One of these was to use a fledgling technology known as integrated circuits – today, more commonly known as silicon chips. The first working circuit had only been shown off in 1958. “It was an extremely courageous decision that was probably vital to the success of the mission,” said Mr Eyles.
To simplify the design and manufacture – and, crucially, minimize the risk of failure – the computer had just one circuit. The decision also ensured that the fast-changing silicon industry had an incentive to continue to produce the chips for the whole Apollo program. However, the entire computer was not so hi-tech. In order to make sure that the software was robust it was “woven” into so-called “rope core memories.” These used copper wires threaded through or around tiny magnetic cores to produce the ones and zeroes of binary code at the heart of the software. Pass the copper wire through the core and the computer read it as a one. Pass it around and it was read as a zero. “Once you get it wired it’s not going to change without breaking those wires,” said Mr Hall. The rope core memories would become know as “LOL memory” after the “little old ladies” who knitted together the software at a factory just outside Boston. These ladies would sit in pairs with a memory unit between them, threading meters and meters of slender copper wires through and around the cores. It’s an extremely time-consuming process and it meant that the programs had to be finished and fully tested months in advance.
To ensure reliability and the highest possible standards from the ladies, NASA also chose to go on a PR mission to the factories. “We used to go to the cafeteria and the astronauts would come in,” said Mary Lou Rogers, one of the ladies who worked on the Apollo line. “They’d explain the Moon shot and thank us for what a good job we were doing.” Everybody got all excited when they came in – we were a bunch of married women with children.”
In the end, the attention to detail seemed to have paid off. On 20 July 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin separated from the command module containing Michael Collins and began their descent to the lunar surface.
But just minutes before Neil Armstrong confirmed to Houston that the “Eagle had landed”, the normally cool-headed astronaut was having a slightly more urgent exchange with mission control. “Program alarm,” the ex-fighter pilot called out over the radio. Armstrong was confronted with a yellow warning light on the AGC, indicating a problem. “When I heard that the computer was restarting I was very nervous because I thought something serious was going on, really serious,” said Mr Hall, who – like 600 million other people – was watching the Moon landing on television. “I was shaking in my boots. I was very concerned that they would have to abort.”
Over the course of the next seven-and-a-half minutes the alarms sounded five more times; the last one went off just 2,000 ft above the dusty lunar surface. Each time Mission Control gave the command to press on with the landing. Armstrong later explained: “In simulations we have a large number of failures and we are usually spring-loaded to the abort position. “In the real flight, we are spring-loaded to the land position.”
Seven-and-a-half-minutes after the first program alarm, Armstrong uttered the immortal words: “Houston, Tranquility Base here. The Eagle has landed.” But Mission Control had not been reckless. The Apollo Guidance Computer had worked perfectly. Frantic analysis at MIT and in Houston determined that the alarms stemmed from a mistake in the astronauts’ training. Although not needed for the landing, the rendezvous radar – used when the astronauts returned to the Command Module – was switched on in case the descent had to be aborted at short notice. The data had overloaded the computer, which dealt with the problem by shedding “low priority tasks” and keeping life-critical functions running.
“The operating system was designed to handle that kind of problem,” said Mr Hall. “The computer was still functioning even though people still say it was failing,” he added. “It was saving the mission.”
In the end, the AGC and the sometimes-unlikely list of characters who designed and built the machine had succeeded: they had helped land the first men on the Moon and return them safely to Earth. “It’s only now with the perspective of 40 years that Apollo stands out as a unique event, probably never to be repeated in my lifetime,” said Mr Eyles.
What is Gov. Sarah Palin Hiding?
Posted by Administrator in Politics on July 6th, 2009
Just as South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s initial subterfuge of being away from his office to be hiking on the Appalachian Trail proved false, so may his second alibi – floozing around with an Argentine temptress.
Meanwhile, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s abrupt announcement to quickly depart from the capitol statehouse is spurring rumors she may be heading off a scandal. So – did the South Carolina gov really head for Alaska instead of South America?
Mark Trail Out of Contact Range on Appalachian Trail Searching for Gov. Mark Sanford
Posted by Administrator in Politics on July 1st, 2009
While most Americans are now up to date minute by minute with the travails of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s affair with his South American mistress, famed outdoorsman Mark Trail has not been heard from since he left for an assignment over a week ago to meet Sanford and escort him along the Appalachian Trail. Favoring his utility knife in place of a cell phone, Mark Trail is assumed to be looking for traces of the now-infamous governor, whom he was supposed to meet at a designated point along the rambling mountainous route.
Satellite sightings of the intrepid outdoorsman have so far proved unsuccessful, and Homeland Security searches likewise have not been effective. However, Mark’s wife Cherry will send out his beloved dog Andy tomorrow.
Are You Ready for Geatteauclad Vinyl Siding?
Posted by Administrator in Real Estate on June 22nd, 2009
A
re you looking to increase your hipness to impress your suburban neighbors? Do you want your ranch house or split level to stand out from all the other plastic-like look-alike places around you?
Just wearing faded denim isn’t way enough. What you need is to cover your house with Geatteauclad – the vinyl siding with the replica tough urban area gritty patterns – just like those run-down inner city houses have.
You can get Geatteauclad in several patterns: “Stoned” that simulates the asphalt roll siding that imitates stone. Or “A-peeling” – the pattern looking just like deteriorated wood lap siding. Maybe you just might be cool enough for “stick n’ brick” vinyl looking like real imitation brick that has random wood stick patterns giving the effect of careless fix-ups.
With Geatteauclad, you can attain that urban cool and feel like you are living on the edge, while knowing that you – after all – are safe. Look for Geatteauclad – coming soon in the big box home center stores in your suburb!
Confederacy of Chickens Inc. Plans to Convert Block E into Chicken Coop
Posted by Administrator in Local, Real Estate on June 7th, 2009
Vacancy posters and for lease signs continue to proliferate in the store windows of Block E, the soon-to-be vacant and once-ballyhooed downtown Minneapolis retail showpiece. Mall owners and city government are finding no buyers in their offer to sell the troubled retail behemoth to take-over mall entrepreneurs. Nonetheless, one development group is planning a serious offer to take over the trouble spot—the Confederacy of Chickens Inc, who plan on converting the pseudo-glitzy complex into an organic chicken coop. To borrow a bit from tradition, the confederacy plans to name their enterprise Cluck E.
“This mall is a very appropriate nurturing environment for raising healthy organic chickens,” say Confederacy representatives. “Rather than being crowded together in the industrialized chicken farms, Cluck E will give these fowl room to roam around in free-range mode, which gives opportunity for a proper chicken life-style growth.” A Confederacy of Chickens spokesperson adds, “This shopping mall architecture was designed to be conducive for small-brain creatures to thrive, so it should work well for chickens.”
Wines With Architecture
Posted by Administrator in Art & Design, Food & Dining on May 11th, 2009
For many years, gourmets and wine connoisseurs have built reputations recommending which wines go with what foods, and many Americans have relished their acquired sophistication. But the Journal of American Rocket Science wants to carry this culture climbing to the next level.
Which wines are proper to consume with important architecture? When in Minneapolis, use this handy guide and impress your friends:
Target Tower on Nicollet Mall, Minneapolis
White Zinfandel. Both the wine and the architecture have a two-dimensional character.
Weisman Art Museum, U of M Campus, Minneapolis:
Merlot. Many well rounded tastes, bright finish.
Walker Art Center, Minneapolis:
Any wine you have never heard of before, so you won’t understand what you are tasting.
Quarry Shopping Center, Northeast Minneapolis:
Woodbind. Made from fermented sawdust recycled from Home Depot lumber sales department.
Hennepin Avenue Bridge, Minneapolis:
Burgundy. A few spikes of high flavor but short delivery to finish.
Minneapolis Art Institute Recent Expansions
Any cheap wine easy to digest.
Guthrie on the Riverfront
Off-dry champagne. Opened for a short time to produce low fizz.
Ivy Tower
Petite Syrah with Vodka chaser. Diminutive but distinct taste notes overwhelmed by strong indistinct sensations.
Minneapolis Historic Buildings
Claret. Decorous taste hints, interior tannins, reminiscences of tobacco, all not long lasting.
Thunderbird Hotel in Bloomington
Thunderbird.
I-35W Bridge
Two Buck Chuck, from Trader Joe’s. Mild and smooth, but not what you would die for.
Michele Bachmann Seeks New Image
Posted by Administrator in Local, Politics on April 30th, 2009
“I’m just a plain ordinary Minnesota farm girl at heart,” she exclaims.
Still under wraps, political makeover specialists are working to reverse some unfavorable perceptions of Michele Bachmann, U.S. House representative from Minnesota’s Sixth District, and the state’s most controversial politician. These handlers have chosen food as a basic component of everyday life, and butter seems most appropriate.
Soon, the iconic image of a cheerful Indian maiden holding a box of one of Minnesota’s most well known products will take on the congresswoman’s visage. A comprehensive marketing campaign will present her in an “I’m just a plain ordinary Minnesota farm girl at heart” character.
Think About Honking
Posted by Administrator in Local on April 27th, 2009
Bumper Sticker Seen on Franklin Avenue, Minneapolis, MN
The Michele Bachmann Appointment Calendar
Posted by Administrator in Local, Politics on April 9th, 2009
Now – available from the Journal of American Rocket Science – the Michelle Bachmann Appointment Calendar for 2009 -2010
Now you can enjoy the words of Minnesota’s controversial Republican U.S. House
of Representative Michelle Bachmann, as she really spoke them in public.
And printed below – rebuttals by her ardent critics – all encapsulated in this
appointment calendar as produced by the Journal of American Rocket Science.
Order yours now – contact the Journal of American Rocket Science and get your
Michelle Bachmann Appointment Calendar!
Amish Built Space Shuttle Now Under Construction
Posted by Administrator in Religion, Science on March 12th, 2009
Bowing to pressure by Creationists who have increasingly been calling much of science to be wishy-washy theory invented by atheists without basis in religious belief, NASA has commissioned the Amish to build the next space shuttle. At this time, Amish carpenters are wielding hand saws, hammers and hand-driven drills to craft a huge oak-clad space ship destined for the climes of outer space.
Meanwhile, a creationist-based flight school based at Bob Jones University is preparing a crew to navigate the wood structured shuttle with “intelligent navigation,” based on bible texts and inspirational hymns. Given the Amish prohibition against using electricity, the flight crew will operate the shuttle with ropes and pulleys, illuminated by candles.
Despite some measure of skepticism by the traditional hard science –oriented NASA administrators, one of the engineers, who goes by the name Moondog Aquarius, claims he hasn’t been as excited about space travel since his former days as a Malibu surfer, when he traveled up and down southern California beaches in his now classic 1940s wood-sided Mercury station wagon. “Hey man,” he exclaims, “ those Amish are so retro - building a woodie to shoot into space – that’s totally scape!”
State of Illinois and Zimbabwe to Trade Controversial Leaders
Posted by Administrator in Politics on March 10th, 2009
A high stakes international leader exchange will be announced soon, as the state of Illinois is about to exchange former governor Rod Blagojovich with Robert Mugabe, embattled dictatorial leader of the African nation of Zimbabwe.
Both governments are excited to finalize the deal. Illinois political officials say getting the Rodster out of the governor’s chair was not enough – they want him out of the state and out of the U.S., even if they have to take Mugabe in return. Zimbabwe government say their leader will fit right into Illinois politics.
Endangered Species – Hummer Dealerships
Posted by Administrator in Local on March 9th, 2009
A prominent and potent symbol of the culmination of Twentieth Century American culture – the Hummer – is disappearing from the highways and parking lots of this nation.
Inevitably, those ostentatious Hummer dealership show places that sold them will likewise become endangered roadside architecture. When these provocatively designed structures located near freeways, disintegrate into the fields, America will have lost the spirit that defined who we are – or were.
Many Hummer dealerships have closed, and their signature overtly curving up and down ramps, with their old-time timber fences, no longer display mighty Hummers humping up at their moment of climax. Instead, weeds sprout through parking lot asphalt, and wind-blown McDonald wrappers are scattered against the large glass show windows that now only reveal a history of lost ideals.
Historic preservation should step up to the plate, and rescue these Hummer Dealerships; convert these structures into Hummer Interpretive Museums, so that future generations can gain the sense of what late Twentieth Century America was all about.
Journal of American Rocket Science Says Federal Stimulus Package Should All Go to Artists
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on February 15th, 2009
In an unusual editorial statement today, the Journal of American Rocket Science stated the Federal Stimulus package should be entirely sent to artists in this country, who can immediately pump the cash right back into the American economy. This massive economic recovery, the journal claims, should not go to banks, who will just squirrel it away in their accounts, never to see the light of day. Artists have no bank accounts, and the money will be immediately be put in play in local art supply stores, musical instruments, studio rentals, PBR purchases, car repairs and bus fares that can generate jobs for coffee shop servers, bar tenders, and other economic stimulators.
In addition, artists’ spending can have a “green effect,” as newly opened art galleries and music performances in coffeehouses in non-descript vacant storefronts don’t draw crowds that bring auto traffic. Moreover, new galleries and performance spaces in formerly vacant warehouse buildings, will eventually create a “hot zone” that creates trendy property values and eradicates urban blight, outperforming public agency revitalization programs.
The Journal of American Rocket Science advocates congress to change their programs and spread the money to artists in every city of America.
Journal of American Rocket Science Discovers Pink Flamingos Part of a Plot to Take Over America
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on March 10th, 2008
Those neighbors in that quiet rambler down the block – the one with a plastic awning over the front entrance that has green indoor-outdoor carpet covering the steps, the Chevrolet station wagon parked in back, and the twinkly christmas lights hanging from roof eaves all year around – and that pink flamingo in their front yard, whose eyes seem to follow you as you walk down the sidewalk – and make you smile back. But the Journal of American Rocket Science is warning you: don’t look at that pink plastic bird again! The bird’s eyes are actually electronic scanning devices, and the homeowners are sleeper cell members of a widespread extremist sect plotting to take over America.
Journal of American Rocket Science researchers uncovered this plot recently when they discovered that the flamingos’ skinny steel legs penetrating into the ground are wired into a vast underground network, connecting a central command to sleeper cells in neighborhoods throughout the nation. Further evidence reveals this group has trained its members to take extensive measures to blend into typical neighborhoods to seem as unobtrusive as possible, acting like normal middle class citizens. The pink flamingos in front yards make these cell members seem more normal than other neighbors, and the birds also function to conduct surveillance of the surrounding neighborhood. These cell members are to act placid until they receive a coded signal from central command, causing them instantaneously and quietly to charge out of their houses and seize control of our country.
When The Department of Homeland Security was given evidence in detail of the Journal of American Rocket Science’s discovery, the bureau replied several weeks later that penguins in front yards are not subject to local zoning laws.
Journal of American Rocket Science to be Consultant to Upcoming Obama Presidency
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on March 5th, 2008
Sensing imminent victory in November to be elected as President of the United States, Sen. Barak Obama is now looking ahead to implement his administration operating procedures to be put in place immediately after the first few minutes of the inauguration ceremony swearing into office.
To remove the Bush program of national fear, one of Obama’s first moves will be to engage the nation into audaciousness of hope tby re-naming the Department of Homeland Security to “The Place of Homeland Contentment.” To highlight this change, the Terror Alert signs near airports and federal buildings will become “Contentment Level Signs.”
The Obama transition team has contacted the color consulting division at the Journal of American Rocket Science to select new engaging colors, replacing the ominous yellow, orange and red alert colors to optimistic and pleasant blue hues:
Historic Preservation Answers “World without Us” issue
Posted by Administrator in Volume 1 on September 10th, 2007
The World Without Us, a best-selling book by Alan Weisman describes our how planet would exist if, in some future time, all humans would vanish from it. Weisman conjectures that by 25,000 years, no noticeable trace would be found of the civilization that we know. The only human-made elements that would exist would be glass and plastic.
The book gives many people much to think about, but nobody is jumping into action to do anything about it. Except for a group of historic preservationists. Searching for ways to preserve monuments that signify human history, this preservation group is formulating two methods. One is the paperwork process of studies to mitigate adverse effects. The other is to encapsulate edifices in plastic. The name of the group has become to be known as “Paper or Plastic.”
While the mitigation studies will go through various committees for some time, the Plastics contingent will soon release a model of its first proposal – encasing the Grain Belt Brewery in Northeast Minneapolis in a gigantic plastic enclosure.
Just as ancient kings such as Ozymandius, subject of a poem by Percy Bysshe Shelley, built a stone monument of his visage that he knew would outlast him, citizens of Minneapolis can be assured that this historical structure will exist, ironically, long after any human can know its significance.
Governor Pawlenty to Minnesota: “The future for this state is to become Mayberry RFD”
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on June 5th, 2007
Pointing out that the nation’s happier times has been no better reflected than in the 1960s TV program Mayberry RFD, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty will soon announce in a prepared statement: “If you’ve watched my modus operandi in government, you’ll see I’m not starving the state’s economic development, education system and culture by cutting taxes – I’m preparing for our state’s future – we can become the next Mayberry RFD.”
“Life was simpler then, but our nation was also happier then,” the governor stated, “ So if we become simpler, we will be happier.”
Pawlenty pledged he will continue to strip away appeasement programs like health care, complicated education systems, and needless light rail and extra traffic lanes. Pawlenty sees his role as a governor taking on the image of Andy Griffith, who played Sheriff Andy Taylor who also acted as mayor, making everyday problems uncomplicated, without government intervention. Law and order can be simplified as well, and as a gesture to bipartisanship, Pawlenty will ask former Democratic U.S. Senator Mark Dayton to assume the role of always-nervous Deputy Barney Fife, as played on the TV sshow by Don Knotts.
Only one educational program will be needed, Pawlenty noted, “We’’ll get language classes in operation that will teach southern drawl as a second language.”
Critics of the governor who obtained advance copies of Pawlenty’s upcoming announcement complained that bringing back the state to Mayberry RFD times will mean no highly convenient ATM machines. Another issue will be the role of guns in this back-world. In the TV Mayberry, Sheriff Andy Taylor issued only one bullet to his deputy that he had to keep not in his gun but in a shirt pocket. The NRA will not be pleased.
Can Letter Writer From Hot Springs, Arkansas Blame Liberals for Global Warming?
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on May 5th, 2007
The Journal of American Rocket Science feels compelled to respond to this important issue. A liberal think tank, Liberals Under Attack United (LUAU) has commissioned Journal of American Rocket Science to refute the Arkansas Democrat Gazette article blaming global warming on Daylight Savings Time, and the Journal has hired Dr. T. Tarp to evaluate the issue. At this writing, Dr. T.Tarp has come up with one recommendation: change the name of the city where the letter writer lives from Hot Springs to Luke Warm Springs.
Strib Chooses Hartman as Sole Writer for Their Future Newspaper
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on March 12th, 2007
Young Sid
The Star Tribune of the Twin Cities is way ahead of other newspapers caught in declining readership and revenues to reduce operating costs and staff. To meet the challenges of the oncoming new age of journalism, the Strib leadership will soon announce they are dumping all their writers and will keep only one – sports columnist Sid Hartman.
The Journal of American Rocket Science obtained an interview with this fabled sports star journalist, and you can follow along as follows:
JARS: Hey Sid – congratulations! But tell us real quick: How do you think the Minnesota Orchestra is doing?
SH: “ I think they have the team with players to win. The key thing is playing together and being consistent.”
JARS: How can we solve the Iraq issue – Will the Sunnis or the Shia take control of the government?
SH: The Sunnis are second seed to compete in the runoff to lead Iraq, but
if they have a hot week, then they have the chance to make the playoffs.
JARS: In terms of Minnesota’s upcoming 2008 US senatorial race, who will be the nominees of the Democrats and Republicans?
SH: It is important to determine first round draft choice.
JARS: We scientists here at the Journal of American Rocket Science have noticed your name, Sid Hartman, has many of the same letters as the Hindu mystic Siddartha. This Kshatriya gained followers, calling themselves bhikkus, or “disciples,” they wandered the countryside in yellow robes (in order to indicate their bhakti , or “devotion” to the master). Likewise, many of your followers, calling themselves Gopher fans, wear a more intense yellow, golden colored sweatshirts and jackets. Can you comment?
SH: Well, a lot of guys in the dorm, during that semester I went to the U, called me “Siddartha,” because my writing, even at that time was, I don’t know if you’d think it was mystical, but so many people said it was mystifying. But that Siddartha guy –great scholarship material: he really had a head on his shoulders. 1938, I think that was his best year.”
Journal of American Rocket Science Research Says ‘No’ to Medical Marijuana in Minnesota
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on March 10th, 2007
After extensive scientific research, Journal of American Rocket Science Research is asking the Minnesota State Legislature to just say no the medical marijuana, predicting that this could lead to wine being sold in supermarkets.
Governor Pawlenty turns over State Government to Denny Hecker
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on February 27th, 2007
In a move totally unprecedented in state government history, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has announced he is turning over all state government operations to automobile- house mortgage- impressario Denny Hecker. In his announcement, the Minnesota governor declared, “There’s no hiding the fact that my buddy Denny can deliver state government functions at lower cost, with business-like finesse so much better than the legions of bureaucrats who occupy rows and rows of desks in state government buildings all over our state.” “What’s more,” Governor Pawlenty remarked, ‘”He’s got a more convincing smile than I have tried to have.”
Minnesotans have become accustomed to Denny Hecker’s fanchises alongside the state’s freeways, have seen his advertising panels on buses, billboards, newspaper inserts, TV commercials for several years. To which Pawlenty asserts, “With his smiling face seen by Minnesota residents over and over, he’s got to be a guy everyone can trust.” For the Minnesota governor who has relentlessly pressed for lower taxes, Hecker, he thinks, is the guy who can make his lower taxes – smaller government dreams come true.
In the works, according to state government insiders, is Pawlenty’s own public image proliferation campaign. Soon Minnesota residents will gaze at billboards, TV spots, utility pole placards that display the guv’s smiling visage, with the message, “I’m giving you lower government by slashing, yes slashing your taxes. No other governor can beat my deal!”
Journal of American Rocket Science Designs New Credit card Swipe Device
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on December 20th, 2006
Responding to recent criticism that debit /credit card swipe devices recently introduced at retail checkout counters have caused backed up customer lines, the National Retailers’ Association has hired the Journal of American Rocket Science to design a more religiously sensitive card swiper.
National Retailers’ Association officials say these new machines will be installed throughout the country in a few weeks.
_ Yes, this is the right amount.
_ No, this is an incorrect amount.
_ I’m Unitarian – I’m not sure.
Minnesota Township Denies Building Permit to Create an Actual Town of Lake Wobegon
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on June 12th, 2006
A central Minnesota township denied a building permit yesterday that would have allowed the much fabled town of Lake Wobegon to achieve reality. The developer, RPM Properties, envisioned construction of a real Lake Wobegon, a figment in the imagination of not only Garrison Keillor, but in the minds of thousands of Prairie Home Companion listeners. Many of these radio show fans, yearning for the good old days, formed a public interest group to create a place to live that would return traditional values of responsibility and the simple virtues to the American scene.
However, the planning officials in a yet-unidentified township saw things differently. Planning Commissioner Hugh Briss called the proposed Wobegon town completely out of date with modern zoning codes. “ This plan had no strip shopping centers, no pole barn buildings for farm implement dealers, and no franchise restaurants – none of the feeling that small towns have today, “ Briss said, adding, “and a church with a steeple? That would exceed zoning height limitations.”
CHIA PET Covering Will be Walker Art Center’s Newest Look
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on March 31st, 2006
The one year-old Walker Art Center In Minneapolis is about to receive a facade re-do. Commissioned by Walker administrators to design a revision, the Journal of American Rocket Science chose to use the perforated holes in the thin metal covering as a matrix for a CHIA PET vegetative growth that will cover the now-shiny skin. CHIA PET, the popular 1970s novelty item that grew a mossy covering from seeds embedded in a clay animal-shaped body, will become popular art now transformed into high art, say Walker art spokespersons.
Walker officials had proposed a “roots” theme, as a reference to the art institution’s origins by its founder, T.B. Walker, a lumber baron, who owned large tracts of giant fir trees known for their deep roots. However, some detractors of the museum comment that CHIA PET is very appropriate, as the tiny stems’ shallowness symbolize the depth of the objects within the galleries.
Green Party Attempt to Clone Rev. Pat Robertson with Phosphorescent Green Jellyfish Has Mixed Results
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on February 14th, 2006
With all the attempts of liberal media and conservative Christian pastors to try to rein in the controversial Rev. Pat Robertson from his wacky pronouncements, the Green Party has tried to neutralize the far-right wing clergyman by cloning Robertson with an unusual species of jellyfish having a fluorescent green glow. Green Party scientists thought the cloning would dilute his weekly virulent predictions of divine wrath on world leaders, destination tourist cities or sports figures, and instead would take on an environmentalist temperament. More important, a cloned green Pat would be a branding icon for the radical political movement.
Although the cloned Pat does emit a bright green color, the lack of a spine that is the definitive anatomical feature of a jelly fish has resulted in the cloned green human being very risk-averse to making public statements that demand far-reaching environmental action. Undeterred, Green Party scientists plan to chip some green concrete off the Jolly Green Giant statue along Highway 169 in southwestern Minnesota to use in their next cloning experiment.
YOU can make $$$$$ in Not-So-Intelligent Design!!
Posted by Administrator in Volume II on January 18th, 2006
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From the Journal of American Rocket Science – the publication for our times!
Posted by Administrator in Volume 1 on November 15th, 2005
Guthrie Becomes Ikea
Posted by Administrator in Art & Design, Local on September 9th, 2005
Sometime after the new Guthrie Theater opens on the riverbank near downtown Minneapolis, a drama devotee may exclaim during a spate of cultural chitchat after attending an Ibsen play, “ It is remarkable how Hedda Gabler’s superfluidity as a mask for her hyperaestivation was so elegantly amplified by that sleek Ikea divan and floor lamp as seen on stage in act three.” Which could draw the response,” And that Ikea writing desk? I have to drive out to Ikea tomorrow to buy one.”
Will this happen, thanks to an Ikea upcoming deal with the Guthrie management to purchase branding rights for the theater? Did Ikea drive the idea for those dark blue metal wall panels that went on the building in its early construction? Soon, will we see those supersized bright yellow letters on the side of the building?
And where could this lead to? Will a deal with NASCAR put Pennzoil patches on Hamlet’s cloak, or a Firestone logo on a spoiler fin mounted on an on-stage Elizabethan carriage?
Open Letter to The People of Nigeria from MN Governor Tim Pawlenty
Posted by Administrator in Volume 1 on May 25th, 2005
Dear Honorable and intelligent citizen of Nigeria:
Hello. My name is Tim Pawlenty and I am governor of the state of
Minnesota in the United States of America, and I am sending you this e-mail
to give you a wonderful opportunity to make a lot of money like so
many of my fellow Americans do. Right now my state of Minnesota has a
lot of wealth, but I need to make my state government budget balance
its bookwork, and to do that, I plan to have the state of Minnesota
build several casinos that can bring gambling money to help the
government. I am asking you to invest in a sure thing. It is sure
because gambling brings in more money in one year than the cost of
building the casino. With your financial commitment, of, say, $500,000,
my state can pay you back a great profit for your investment. But we
need to build the casinos quickly.
With your financial commitment of , say, $500,000, you can be paid
back with many profits. Many Nigerians have sent e mails to people in
my state offering to share in various financial plans, so I feel we
have already forged a friendship bond between our peoples. With your
financial commitment of, say, $500,000, you can be paid back with many
profits. My office is ready for your check of, say, $500,000, and I am
your friend.
Sincerely,
The Governor of Minnesota
Mel Gibson’s New Movie Will Depict Suffering of Martha Stewart
Posted by Administrator in Volume 1 on May 4th, 2005
Following his somewhat notorious film, “The Passion of the Christ”, Mel
Gibson is reportedly in production with a similar-themed movie – “The
Crucifixion of the Martha.” The injustice of her being called a Wall
Street criminal, the agony of her trial and her sordid imprisonment
will receive Gibson’s trademark portrayal of excruciating suffering by
a contemporary religious figure.
But Gibson will not end his epic with her celebrated release from
prison, but will forecast a future upsetting and bizarre event,
predicting she will be hauled back into court on what he calls
“trumped” up charges for violating parole. But this time instead
returning to prison, she will undergo a crueler fate – put in the
custody of NASA, who will confine her to a Russian Soyuz space station,
assigned to an interior decorating makeover for that aesthetically
beleaguered environment. Her anguish in attempting to make chintz
curtains appear to hang straight in the weightlessness of space will be
an emotionally gripping scene.
Gibson’s craft in cinema won’t stop when the taping is finished. He
plans an innovative venue to show the film. Rebuffing the Hollywood
industry, the movie will be shown only in specially built chapels in
hundreds of shopping malls across America and in closed up K Marts.
Creation Science Can Now Instruct Young Students with Stork Theory
Posted by Administrator in Religion, Science on April 26th, 2005
Design for Preservation has developed an add-on teaching supplement for
creation science curriculum to be used by schools in conservative
school districts. Stork Theory will present young minds with the
fundamentals of childbirth, to educate how babies come into the world.
The course material is theory based, as applied science aspects are not
important, such as how storks can fly through closed windows during
their deliveries, is unnecessary. Course material will also be text
only, with no illustrations needed, as no actual photography is
available to date. Lab sessions with actual storks will not be part of
the teaching process, as a measure to appease liberals who would want
no storks harmed during such procedures.
Although the curriculum is designed for elementary school age children,
Design for Preservation education consultants claim the material can be
also used for college credit at academic institutions such as Bob Jones
University.
Asteroid Blocker
Posted by Administrator in Volume 1 on March 10th, 2005
When the giant meteor Tunguska struck the forests of Siberia in 1908,
over 200 square miles of wilderness was destroyed and the sparse
population was jolted by the hit 400 miles away. Loss of life in this
isolated area was minimal, but scientists today are issuing warnings
that it’s just a matter of time before the next meteor, possibly much
larger than the 700 ton Tunguska, will strike our earth, which today
has much larger cities, suburban subdivision and shopping centers that
would be much more vulnerable to catastrophe than pre-revolution
Siberia.
If scientists get a fix on a big one is headed, for instance, to
Washington D.C., it simply won’t be enough to ask non-essential workers
to leave early. A more effective and comprehensive scheme must be
ready.
The National Academy of Earth Defense Scientists recently commissioned
Design for Preservation to produce a defense system to protect earth
and our life style as we know it. The Academy selected Design for
Preservation based on the firms’ previous and thus-far successful
anti-tornado mock trailer court system which protects large
metropolitan areas by locating fake or simulated trailer courts in
outlying areas, acting as decoys to divert oncoming twisters.
Statistics gathered from TV news has indicated tornados seem to be
attracted to trailer courts, and this diversion method has thus far
protected Midwest cities from destruction.
Based on this success, Design for Preservation will employ the same
method, this time using space shuttles to boost several trailer courts
into orbit to attract and sidetrack incoming meteors away from earth.
Trailer courts will be authentically replicated complete with
artificial stone skirtboards, TV aerials, vinyl barn-shaped storage
sheds, particle-board doghouses, cedar split-rail fences, pickup camper
tops propped up on saw horses and various boat trailers.
Historic Grain Elevators to gain Re-use as Sound Theaters
Posted by Administrator in Volume 1 on February 1st, 2005
A cluster of grain elevators owned by Pillsbury will no longer face demolition as consequence of that corporation’s property makeover. The Pillsbury elevators, located along the east bank of the Mississippi River near Saint Anthony Falls, are under study by Design for Preservation, a southeast Minneapolis design firm, who plans to convert the empty cylindrical structures into a music theater multiplex, each shaft to play avante garde musician John Cage’s noted work 4 minutes 33 Seconds on continuous loop tapes.
“An empty round concrete elevator shaft interior represents the ultimate in minimalist architecture,” stated Robert Roscoe, chief entrepreneurial officer (CEO) of Design for Preservation. “And the minimalist aspect of John Cage’s 4 minutes 33 Seconds is the perfect and most appropriate musical oeuvre for these spaces.”
The multiple series of elevator shafts allows the potential of multiple simultaneous performances, and the tape loop for Cage’s music piece, along with the multiplex aspect, will permit many listeners to hear the music over and over, as long as they want, and, except for rush times, no waiting in line.
Roscoe expects neighborhood approval for any permits required for the elevators’ new use, as site noise shouldn’t be the problem that other music venues located near large population areas can create.
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Posted by Administrator in Volume 1 on September 10th, 2004
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