Roadrunner Will be a Smash Hit at New Vikings Stadium

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For scores of Minnesota bird protectors who have protested the new glass panels about to be installed at the Vikings Stadium near downtown Minneapolis, Vikings management have refused to install patterned glass that will keep innocent birds away, instead favoring clear glass that will cause the death of an incalculable number of the winged species. The Journal of American Rocket Science has a response. The famed Roadrunner has entertained many of us outwitting Wiley E Coyote by swiftly racing through rock walls that Wiley crumpled against.

In due time Roadrunner will whiz off the cartoon strip to zoom into the Football park’s large glass wall, smashing it to bits. For football owners, their feathers will be ruffled. For bird advocates “That’s Entertainment!”

From Farmer to Fuel Tank

Have you noticed that the United States NASA space programs have lagged behind natural food co-ops and organic cafes in providing America’s local farmers organic fuel for space exploration? Who can develop that technology?

The Journal of American Rocket Science is adapting templates of the natural foods movement to develop systems for farmers to make organic fuel oil from their corn and soybean crops. From farm to fuel tank, local markets will supply locally produced organic rocket fuel to NASA.

Soon – all of NASA’s space-reaching rockets will be powered by organic fuels – designed by The Journal of American Rocket Science.

Stay tuned for further details!

Journal of American Rocket Science 20014

image1In mid-February 2014, Bob Roscoe and Doug Mack noticed an announcement for the Preserve Minneapolis’s February 2014 Breakfast With a Preservationist event somehow carried the 20014 date. So the pair pondered by e-mail what would be the issues in historic preservation and city planning 18,000 years from now – in 20014.

Here are their findings:

The Guthrie Theater will finally find its true calling and will be reused as an orbiting IKEA.

The Minneapolis Planning and Economic Development Department will re-define a “small area plan” to contain an entire solar system.

By 20014, Minneapolis downtown skyways will be converted into human transport tubes to whisk business people around the area in milliseconds. 

20014 Historians will read 20th century copies of the Star Tribune, and with Sid Hartman’s large amount of copy space, assume Sid was a spiritual leader and obscured his wisdom with pseudo-inane commentary. 

The U of M’s golden gopher will morph into a golden gopher robot.

At the Preserve Minneapolis’s 20014 Breakfast With a Preservationist event, the audience will probably have Soylent Green pastries served by robots.

Preserve Minneapolis will still call their Summer events Walking & Biking Tours—but conduct them with jetpacks and teleporting.

The Vikings will be asking for a new planet for their space-stadium.

Block E will still be empty and sad.

Most coffeehouses’ upper shelves of Monin syrups will be unchanged from 2001.

Saint Paul won’t have changed much.

Working Lingo for New York Bartenders

11154799-manhattan-cocktail-garnished-with-a-cherry-and-lemon-and-gold-glitter-back-ground-1On February 16th, 2014, the New York Times published an article titled ‘Behind Bars’ that decoded lingo used by the city’s fast-paced bartenders who much communicate quickly with each other during frenetic evenings pressed in by drinkers-in-waiting.

Here are some notable if not sardonic descriptions of their multitudes of patrons sitting just across the bar counter from them:

Soul Stealer – a barfly who comes in (usually when it’s quiet) and sucks out the barman’s very core with his self-centered depressing rhetoric.
Pitching a tent or camping – sitting forever after finishing a drink.
Cloudy – an intoxicated customer.
Red light – to cut a customer off.
Baby – a minor.
Book Club – a group of (almost exclusively) women who drink (almost exclusively) wine – excruciatingly very slowly.
Franklin – a great tipper.
Mikana – a cute or hot girl.
Mkana V.S.O.P. – a beautiful woman who is a bit older.
Strangler – a guy who pesters women.
Sniper – who wears sun glasses indoors, at night.
Nice Shoes – a hot girl alert.
The tour bus stopped out front – when 25 people walk in at the same time.
The turn – crossing over to midnight.
Pharmacist – who orders the most obscure drinks with the most obscure specifications.
Dairy Queens – Guests who order multiple creamy drinks.

Journal of American Rocket Science Predictions for the Year 2014


  • The Hostess Company launches a rocket to the moon to make a smiley face of Twinkies on the lunar surface.
  • Rick Perry gives up Texas politics to become the new Marlboro man.
  • Governor Mark Dayton travels to Las Vegas to delver a speech at a political workshop, mistakenly goes to a comedy club instead, and what became a one night stand up comedy act is a smash hit. Variety Magazine lauds his impersonation of a fumbling politician.
  • The Guthrie Theater closes. IKEA immediately snaps up a deal to buy the building and opens a multi-level bar furniture mart.
  • Block E becomes converted into a multi-store discount mall featuring K Mart, Walmart, Sam’s Club, Mattress World, and The Used Tire Emporium.
  • Latest trend in hip restaurants: pot hole cooking. Chefs will fabricate facsimiles of potholes in city streets, installing burners underneath to prepare food for their patrons – the most popular being pot roast.
  • Minneapolis School board goes for ranked choice voting to select new superintendent: Miss Richfield is elected.
  • The administration of the Minnesota Orchestra will continue the musicians’ lockout with their new economic plan to operate at a small deficit by paying executives and staff without offering any orchestra musical programming.
  • The University of Minnesota will follow the Minnesota Orchestra’s administration’s economic plan: to make funding available for increased staff, the U will eliminate students.
  • Saint Paul officials require uneaten lutefisk must be deposited in a hazardous waste dump.